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People live longer in some part of the world. What do you think is the reason of this? Is this a good thing or a bad thing? v.1

People live longer in some part of the world. What do you think is the reason of this? Is this a good thing or a bad thing? v. 1
It is true that life expectancy is higher in some parts of the world and lifestyle change is one major contributing factor. In my opinion, I think living longer is beneficial. Healthy living is the main reason people live longer. Activities such as, exercise and meditation have been found to reduce the incidence of disease and infirmity; leading to longer life. For example, Ekonam, the eldest man in my village, claimed that his secret for good health is early morning jogging and yoga. Also, reduction of alcohol usage has been found to decrease cases of diabetes and obesity. In these countries, ethanol is substituted with herbs and natural drinks. These alternates have a positive impacts on liver and heart and hence a good health. Furthermore, food choices have also been altered in these places to ensure improved life. As the saying goes "we are what we eat", so a healthy diet adopted translated to a healthy living. I believe that people ageing longer is a good thing because it reduces the agony caused as a result of untimely death and that the elderly serve as role models to the younger generation. Firstly, loss of loved ones or parent are never welcome and can lead to severe pains and heartache. These feelings could also predispose to depression and numerous mental health issues. For instance, when my aunt lost her husband, she was in gruesome pain she almost committed suicide. In addition, sudden demise can lead to loss of property. If a man suddenly dies without a will prepared, retrieving or claiming of ownership of properties might be difficult. Also, the aged serve as role models and a guide to the young ones. They share experiences and stories that can give hope and motivate despite difficulties faced during their time. In conclusion, implementing a behavioural change is the main proponent responsible for longevity in many countries and in my opinion, I am convinced that people living longer is a welcome development.
It is true that life expectancy is higher in
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
parts of the world and lifestyle
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
change
is one major contributing factor. In my opinion, I
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
think
living
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
longer
is beneficial.

Healthy living is the main reason
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
live
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
longer
. Activities such as, exercise and meditation have
been found
to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
reduce
the incidence of disease and infirmity; leading to
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
longer
life.
For example
,
Possible spelling mistake found.
Ekonam
, the eldest
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
man
in my village, claimed that his secret for
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
good
health is early morning jogging and yoga.
Also
, reduction of alcohol usage has
been found
to decrease cases of diabetes and obesity. In these countries, ethanol
is substituted
with herbs and natural drinks. These alternates have a
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
positive
impacts on liver and heart and
hence
a
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
good
health.
Furthermore
, food choices have
also
been altered
in these places to ensure
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
improved
life. As the saying goes
Use a smart opening quote here: "“".
"
we are what we eat
Use a smart closing quote here: "”".
"
,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
so
a healthy diet adopted translated to a healthy living.

I believe that
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
Possible spelling mistake. 'ageing' is British English.
ageing
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
longer
is a
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
good
thing
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
it
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
reduces
the agony caused
as a result
of
untimely
death and that the elderly serve as role models to the younger generation.
Firstly
, loss of
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
loved
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
ones
or parent are never welcome and can lead to severe pains and heartache. These feelings could
also
predispose to depression and numerous mental health issues.
For instance
, when my aunt lost her husband, she was in gruesome pain she almost committed suicide.
In addition
, sudden demise can lead to loss of property. If a
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
man
suddenly
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
dies
without a will prepared, retrieving or claiming of ownership of properties might be difficult.
Also
, the aged serve as role models and a guide to the young
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
ones
. They share experiences and stories that can give hope and motivate despite difficulties faced during their time.

In conclusion
, implementing a
Possible spelling mistake. 'behavioural' is British English.
behavioural
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
change
is the main proponent responsible for longevity in
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
countries and in my opinion, I
am convinced
that
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
living
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
longer
is a welcome development.
8.5Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
8.5Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
8.5Mistakes

IELTS essay People live longer in some part of the world. What do you think is the reason of this? Is this a good thing or a bad thing? v. 1

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
329 words
8.5
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 8.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 8.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 8.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 8.5
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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