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Do agree or disagree with the following statement? High school should allow students to study the courses that students want to study. Use specific reasons and examples to support your opinion v.1

Do agree or disagree with the following statement? High school should allow students to study the courses that students want to study. Use specific reasons and examples to support your opinion v. 1
These days, more and more people are making the choice to go to university. While some people are of the opinion that the only purpose of an academy education is to improve job prospects, others think that society and the individual benefit in much broader ways. It is certainly true that one of the main aims of the university is to secure a better job. The majority of people want to improve their future career prospects and attending educational institution is one of the best ways to do this as it increases a person's marketable skills and attractiveness to potential employers. In addition, further education is very expensive for many people, so most would not consider it if it would not provide them with a more secure future and a higher standard of living. Thus office prospects are very important. However, there are other benefits for individuals and company. Firstly, the independence of living away from home is a benefit because it helps the students develop better social skills and improve as a person. A case in point is that many students will have to leave their families, live in halls of residence and meet new friends. As a result, their maturity and confidence will grow, enabling them to live more fulfilling lives. Secondly, society will gain from the contribution that the graduates can make to the economy. We are living in a very competitive world, so countries need educated people in order to compete and prosper. Therefore, I believe that although a main aim of university education is to get the best job, there are clearly further benefits. If we continue to promote and encourage academy attendance, it will lead to a better future for individuals and society.
These days, more and more
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
are making the choice to go to university. While
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
are of the opinion that the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
only
purpose of an academy education is to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
improve
job prospects, others
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
think
that society and the individual
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
benefit
in much broader ways.

It is
certainly
true that one of the main aims of the university is to secure a better job. The majority of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
want to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
improve
their future career prospects and attending educational institution is one of the best ways to do this as it increases a person's marketable
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
skills
and attractiveness to potential employers.
In addition
,
further
education is
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
very
expensive for
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
so
most would not consider it if it would not provide them with a more secure future and a higher standard of living.
Did you forget a comma after a conjunctive/linking adverb?
Thus
office prospects are
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
very
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
important
.

However
, there are other
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
benefits
for individuals and
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
company
.
Firstly
, the independence of living away from home is a
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
benefit
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
it
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
helps
the students develop better social
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
skills
and
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
improve
as a person. A case in point is that
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
students will
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
have to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
leave
their families,
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
live
in halls of residence and
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
meet
new friends.
As a result
, their maturity and confidence will grow, enabling them to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
live
more fulfilling
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
lives
.
Secondly
, society will gain from the contribution that the graduates can
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
make
to the economy. We are living in a
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
very
competitive world,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
so
countries need educated
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
in order to compete and prosper.

Therefore
, I believe that although a main aim of university education is to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
get
the best job, there are
clearly
further
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
benefits
. If we continue to promote and encourage academy attendance, it will lead to a better future for individuals and society.
7Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
7Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
7Mistakes

IELTS essay Do agree or disagree with the following statement? High school should allow students to study the courses that students want to study. Use specific reasons and examples to support your opinion v. 1

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
289 words
7
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 7.0
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 7.0
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 7.0
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 7.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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