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Many people now undertake extreme activities, from hang-gliding to mountain climbing. Why do people risk their lives in this way, and do you think this is a good trend? v.3

Many people now undertake extreme activities, from hang-gliding to mountain climbing. Why do people risk their lives in this way, and do you think this is a good trend? v. 3
The performance of thrilling sports has become widespread among the global population, which is considered to impose a threat to people's lives. Various reasons have been put forward to explain for the surge of the trend and I am in favor of those who advocate this positive new trend. In my views of point, there are 2 reason for this question which I will discuss in this question. First, as can be seen, it is an addictive of adrenaline, which can be as the most addictive drugs such as cocaine. For example, in a film that I was seen for a month, that a man who addicted to climbing on the façade of high building in New York and he climb all high new buildings. The highest building in Malaysia called Twin Towers where he had climbed. As you know, it is addicted so if he was far away from that kind of activities, he became sweating and can’t do anything. Second is problems that people have to face push them to do these extreme things since in their lives they trying to go through some serious hardships that's why getting closer to the death make them forget about the problems and they see these utmost activities as a relief. When it comes to the talk about whether it is a good idea doing intense activities or not, I think it is challenging, but horrible either to the people who don’t want to meet Grim Ripper. It is hard to believe in man who ensure about the well-equipped equipment due to the death of many people on the TV about the new kind of that activity. Nowadays, it is considered so you can try to that kind of sport at once, but I don’t recommend you to that.
The performance of thrilling sports has become widespread among the global population, which
is considered
to impose a threat to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
's
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
lives
. Various reasons have
been put
forward to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
explain
for the surge of the
Use a comma before 'and' if it connects two independent clauses (unless they are closely connected and short).
trend and
I am in favor of those
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
who
advocate this
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
positive
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
new
trend.

In my views of point, there are 2 reason for this question which I will discuss in this question.
First
, as can be
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
seen
, it is
The phrase 'an addictive of' is not correct. Use a noun, not an adjective, between 'an' and 'of'.
an addictive of
adrenaline, which can be as the most addictive drugs such as cocaine.
For example
, in a film that I was
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
seen
for a month, that a
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
man
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
who
addicted to climbing on the façade of high building in
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
New
Use a comma before 'and' if it connects two independent clauses (unless they are closely connected and short).
York and
he
The pronoun 'he' is usually used with a third-person or a past tense verb: "climbs", "climbed".
climb
all high
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
new
buildings. The highest building in Malaysia called Twin Towers where he had climbed. As you know, it
is addicted
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
so
if he was far away from that kind of activities, he became sweating and can’t do anything. Second is problems that
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
have to
face push them to do these extreme things since in their
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
lives
Did you mean "they're trying", "they are trying", or "they were trying"?
they trying
to go through
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
serious hardships that's why getting closer to the death
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
make
them forget about the
Use a comma before 'and' if it connects two independent clauses (unless they are closely connected and short).
problems and
they
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
see
these utmost activities as a relief.

When it
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
comes
to the talk about whether it is a
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
good
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
idea
doing intense activities or not, I
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
think
it is challenging,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
horrible either to the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
who
don’t want to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
meet
Grim Ripper. It is
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
hard
to believe in
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
man
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
who
ensure about the well-equipped equipment due to the death of
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
on the TV about the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
new
kind of that activity.

Nowadays, it
is considered
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
so
you can try to that kind of sport at once,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
I don’t recommend you to that.
2Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
8Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
6Mistakes

IELTS essay Many people now undertake extreme activities, from hang-gliding to mountain climbing. Why do people risk their lives in this way, and do you think this is a good trend? v. 3

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
298 words
6
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 5.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 6.0
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 5.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 6.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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