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People are living longer than ever before. At the same time, the young population is declining while the number of old people is rising. Will this development be a benefit for the society? What are the advantages and disadvantages of having more old peopl v.2

People are living longer than ever before. At the same time, the young population is declining while the number of old people is rising. Will this development be a benefit for the society? What are the advantages and disadvantages of having more old peopl v. 2
The average human lifecycle is expanded and which is expected to see 100 years. Comparatively, the child birth rate is decreasing whereas the elderly population is increasing. The longevity will be beneficial for the public since people would enjoy more with their family, but the declining the population of youth can be the serious issue and which will result an elderly country. This will create various governmental spending such as pension, retirement, and health care entitlements whereas the more elders in the country can expect of lower crime rates and the possibilities of tighten the family relationships. However, I believe that the taxes and entitlements to support for elders outweigh the advantages. As the society develops and the relevant fields are developing, the result of those is the longevity. It is common that human’s average lifecycle is up to 100 years and this means the people can enjoy more being with families and friends. Therefore, the longevity can result in more family and friends times. Due to this longevity, the elderly population is growing in compared to the decreasing of youth population and which will result in elderly countries. If the country is became a full with elders, the amount of government spending will be endless and which means that the governmental budget will be suffering from deficit. Since the old people required many services and entitlements such as pension, retirement and health care, the government may not be able to provide all those entitlement at the end due to the deficit. However, the more elders in a country can have several advantages. Firstly, there will be lower crime rates. Since elders have lack of ambitions, grudge and energies to commit any crimes, so that the country will have free of crimes. Moreover, the family relationship will be in depth. Since older people have wisdom and life skills, which can be used to handle children and that can enhance the family relationships. Therefore, having elders in a country seems necessary. Despite all these benefits, in my perspective, the financial burden is more serious than that of benefits. Also, the government deficit account will pressure onto young people in terms of tax and that can result in decrease in childbirth rates. In other words, the governmental financial burden will make the situation the worse. Therefore, it is vital to solve the elderly country issues. In conclusion, longevity can create the happiness and enjoyable time being with families and friends for a long time as much as 100 years. However, the childbirth rates are decreasing due to the longevity, because the government has pressuring the young people in terms of tax to support the elders.
The average human lifecycle
is expanded
and which is
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
expected
to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
see
100 years.
Comparatively
, the child birth
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
rate
is decreasing whereas the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
elderly
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
population
is increasing. The
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
longevity
will be beneficial for the public since
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
would enjoy more with their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
family
,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
the declining the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
population
of youth can be the serious issue and which will
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
result
an
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
elderly
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
country
. This will create various governmental spending such as pension, retirement, and health care
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
entitlements
whereas the more
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
elders
in the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
country
can
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
expect
of lower
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
crime
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
rates
and the possibilities of tighten the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
family
relationships.
However
, I believe that the taxes and
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
entitlements
to support for
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
elders
outweigh the advantages.

As the society develops and the relevant fields are developing, the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
result
of those is the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
longevity
. It is common that human’s average lifecycle is up to 100 years and this means the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
can enjoy more being with
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
families
and friends.
Therefore
, the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
longevity
can
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
result
in more
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
family
and friends times.

Due to this
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
longevity
, the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
elderly
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
population
is growing in compared to the decreasing of youth
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
population
and which will
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
result
in
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
elderly
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
countries
. If the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
country
is
Consider using a past participle here: "become".
became
a
The usual collocation for "full" is "of" not "with". Did you mean "full of"?
full with
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
elders
, the amount of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
government
spending will be endless and which means that the governmental budget will be suffering from deficit. Since the
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
old
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
required
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
services and
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
entitlements
such as pension, retirement and health care, the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
government
may not be able to provide all those
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
entitlement
at the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
end
due to the deficit.

However
, the more
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
elders
in a
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
country
can have several advantages.
Firstly
, there will be
Did you mean "lowed", "lowered"?
lower
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
crime
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
rates
. Since
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
elders
have lack of ambitions, grudge and energies to commit any
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
crimes
,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
so
that the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
country
will have free of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
crimes
.
Moreover
, the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
family
relationship will be in depth. Since older
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
have wisdom and life
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
skills
, which can be
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
used
to handle children and that can enhance the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
family
relationships.
Therefore
, having
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
elders
in a
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
country
seems necessary.

Despite all these benefits, in my perspective, the financial burden is more serious than that of benefits.
Also
, the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
government
deficit account will pressure onto young
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
in terms of tax and that can
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
result
in decrease in childbirth
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
rates
.
In other words
, the governmental financial burden will
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
make
the situation the worse.
Therefore
, it is vital to solve the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
elderly
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
country
issues.

In conclusion
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
longevity
can create the happiness and enjoyable time being with
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
families
and friends for a long time as much as 100 years.
However
, the childbirth
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
rates
are decreasing due to the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
longevity
,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
government
has pressuring the young
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
in terms of tax to support the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
elders
.
17Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
65Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
4Mistakes

IELTS essay People are living longer than ever before. At the same time, the young population is declining while the number of old people is rising. Will this development be a benefit for the society? What are the advantages and disadvantages of having more old peopl v. 2

Essay
  American English
6 paragraphs
443 words
6.0
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 5.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 6.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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