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people are living longer now. discuss the causes of this phenomenon. use reasons and examples for the same v.2

people are living longer now. discuss the causes of this phenomenon. use reasons and examples for the same v. 2
Although now medical field is progressing by leaps and bounds, yet it is found that in some nations the senior persons are decreasing and only people of new generation's are increasing. In the below paragraphs I will discuss the both proposals, before forming my own opinion. To begin with, the main advantage of decreasing of the senior citizen that youngsters can take subsidy from the legal firm. It will help them to buy new houses which are expensive nowadays. In addition, the government has to pay pensions and the medical support for older people. In the most of the states the retirement age of people is 55. At this age, they are healthy and can easily work, but they do not do and just a burden on the government. Therefore, if senior people will be less than government can spend that money on young generation in productive pay, such as; help of adults to buy new houses. Nevertheless, it certainly has many drawbacks. Firstly, if elder people would decrease, then it will be hard to know about the history and experience of the senior generation. That is very important. With the help of history person can avoid mistakes that were committed by their ancestors. Not only this, youngsters can learn about culture and tradition, but if ancestor will be disappeared then, it is impossible to teach to kids. Moreover, with the passage of time unique culture will be disappeared. Also, It will be hard for working parents, because many parents leave kids under the guidance of senior people. It is a big problem for them. In conclusion, I reckon there are more drawbacks if senior people will be less, because they help a lot of new generations in various ways. Such as, teach language, culture and tradition. Not only this, also, gives solutions by life of experience.
Although
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
now
medical field is progressing by leaps and bounds,
yet
it
is found
that in
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
nations the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
senior
persons are decreasing and
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
only
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
new
generation's are increasing. In the below paragraphs I will discuss the both proposals,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
before
forming my
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
own
opinion.

To
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
begin
with, the main advantage of decreasing of the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
senior
citizen that youngsters can take subsidy from the legal firm. It will
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
help
them to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
buy
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
new
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
houses
which are expensive nowadays.
In addition
, the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
government
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
has to
pay pensions and the medical support for older
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
. In the most of the states the retirement age of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
is 55. At this age, they are healthy and can
easily
work,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
they do not do and
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
just
a burden on the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
government
.
Therefore
, if
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
senior
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
will be less than
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
government
can spend that money on young generation in productive pay, such as;
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
help
of adults to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
buy
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
new
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
houses
.

Nevertheless
, it
certainly
has
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
drawbacks.
Firstly
, if elder
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
would decrease, then it will be
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
hard
to know about the history and experience of the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
senior
generation.
That is
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
very
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
important
. With the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
help
of history person can avoid mistakes that
were committed
by their ancestors. Not
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
only
this, youngsters can learn about culture and tradition,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
if ancestor will
be disappeared
then, it is impossible to teach to kids.
Moreover
, with the passage of time unique culture will
be disappeared
.
Also
, It will be
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
hard
for working parents,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
parents
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
leave
kids under the guidance of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
senior
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
. It is a
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
big
problem for them.

In conclusion
, I reckon there are more drawbacks if
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
senior
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
will be less,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
they
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
help
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
a lot of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
new
generations in various ways. Such as, teach language, culture and tradition. Not
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
only
this,
also
, gives solutions by life of experience.
7.5Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
7.5Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
7.5Mistakes

IELTS essay people are living longer now. discuss the causes of this phenomenon. use reasons and examples for the same v. 2

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
307 words
7.5
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 7.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 7.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 7.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 7.5
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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