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People are becoming dependent on the Internet and phone. Do the benefits of this outweigh the disadvantages. v.1

People are becoming dependent on the Internet and phone. Do the benefits of this outweigh the disadvantages. v. 1
Experts throughout both the developing and developed world have debated whether increasing dependence on modern technologies presents a problem or advantage of the modern society. Although I agree that positives of living in the world of advanced technology might predominate, it is important to consider the negative effects it can have on our lives. This essay will discuss both sides using examples from the UK government and Oxford University to demonstrate points and prove arguments. There is ample evidence that the loss of money is a major drawback of placing too much reliance on online network and phones. The central reason behind this is twofold, firstly criminals are increasingly using internet to steal people’s property. Secondly, in order to use ever improving mobile applications people are driven to spend a considerable amount of money on the latest brand devices, such as iPhone and Samsung smartphones. For instance, recent empirical research by the UK Government demonstrated that an average Brit may invest up to 20% of his/her yearly income in phone accessories and web services. Thus, it is possible to state beyond doubt that the largest disadvantage of relying on advanced technologies is a waste of money. Although there is a case of disadvantages attached to the usage of internet and phones damaging people’s budget, the beneficial impact of the latest technology on the way we communicate, cannot be overstated. This is largely because we can keep in touch with our friends and family by email or instant messenger services like Viber and Facebook messenger. For example, an extensive study by Oxford University showed that video messaging is becoming common for business meetings in over 80% companies world wide. Therefore, it is conclusively clear that the mobile and networking technology has revolutionized the communication benefiting connection between friends and family. To conclude from the arguments and examples given I firmly believe that if the internet network and cell phones are used wisely there would be more positive than negative effects. It is predicted that online communication services will increasingly grow in importance in decades to come.
Experts throughout both the developing and developed world have debated whether increasing dependence on modern
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
technologies
presents a problem or advantage of the modern society. Although I
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
agree
that positives of living in the world of advanced
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
technology
might predominate, it is
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
important
to consider the
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
negative
effects it can have on our
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
lives
. This essay will discuss both sides using examples from the UK
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
government
and Oxford University to demonstrate points and prove arguments.

There is ample evidence that the loss of money is a major drawback of placing too much reliance on online network and
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
phones
. The central reason behind this is twofold,
firstly
criminals are
increasingly
using internet to steal
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
’s property.
Secondly
, in order to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
use
ever improving mobile applications
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
are driven
to spend a considerable amount of money on the latest brand devices, such as iPhone and Samsung smartphones.
For instance
, recent empirical research by the UK
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
Government
demonstrated that an average Brit may invest up to 20% of his/her yearly income in
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
phone
accessories and web services.
Thus
, it is possible to state beyond doubt that the largest disadvantage of relying on advanced
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
technologies
is a waste of money.

Although there is a case of disadvantages attached to the usage of internet and
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
phones
damaging
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
’s budget, the beneficial impact of the latest
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
technology
on the way we communicate, cannot
be overstated
. This is
largely
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
we can
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
keep
in touch with our friends and family by email or instant messenger services like
Possible spelling mistake found.
Viber
and
If the term is a proper noun, use initial capitals.
Facebook messenger
.
For example
, an extensive study by Oxford University
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
showed
that video messaging is becoming common for business meetings in over 80%
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
companies
Did you mean "worldwide"?
world wide
.
Therefore
, it is
conclusively
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
clear
that the mobile and networking
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
technology
has revolutionized the communication benefiting
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
connection between
friends and family.

To conclude
from the arguments and examples
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
given
I
firmly
believe that if the internet network and cell
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
phones
are
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
used
wisely
there would be more
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
positive
than
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
negative
effects. It
is predicted
that online communication services will
increasingly
grow in importance in decades to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
come
.
7Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
7Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
7Mistakes
Change your language and you change your thoughts.
Karl Albrecht

IELTS essay People are becoming dependent on the Internet and phone. Do the benefits of this outweigh the disadvantages. v. 1

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
345 words
7
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 7.0
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 7.0
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 7.0
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 7.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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