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Parents should spend more time with their children helping them with their homework. Do you agree or disagree? v.1

Parents should spend more time with their children helping them with their homework. v. 1
In this global world, people are acting like machines. The daily routine of the most people, are going to work, do their job, coming home, preparing meals and sleeping. They haven't enough time to be with their children. Most of children spend their time in day care homes. The main problem with this is, children are addicted to social media's, games and other things, that harm to their mind. The result of this is children become rappers and drug addicts. So, this is the most common problem in the present. On the other hand, children haven't any idea about, how to spend their leisure time. So normally, they spend their leisure time, by sitting in front of television or the computer. The parents can easily avoid these problems. They can find a little time per day, to spend their children. By doing this, they can listen their child's thoughts and also, they can share the feelings. Secondly, the parents can teach the children, how to spend their leisure time without the television or the computer and also, how can they enjoy by being with the environment. There so many things in the environment that they can learn. By helping to do their homework, parent can build up a strong bond between the child and the parent. So this helps with child to share his or her thoughts with the parent. By doing this, we can make a pleasant and nice person in the world. Nowadays people become little bit rood for the others. By helping children for their works, we can teach them to think about the others also. Then this world will be a very nice place to live. In my view, analysing all these things parents should spend enough time with their children for making the best persons.
In this global world,
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
are acting like machines. The daily routine of the most
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
, are going to work, do their job, coming home, preparing meals and sleeping. They haven't
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
enough
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
time
to be with their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
. Most of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
spend
their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
time
in day care homes.

The main problem with this is,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
are addicted
to social media's, games and
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
other
things, that harm to their mind. The result of this is
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
become rappers and drug addicts.
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
So
, this is the most common problem in the present.

On the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
other
hand,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
haven't any
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
idea
about, how to
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
spend
their leisure
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
time
.
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
So
normally
, they
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
spend
their leisure
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
time
, by sitting in front of television or the computer.

The
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
parents
can
easily
avoid these problems. They can find a
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
little
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
time
per day, to
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
spend
their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
. By doing this, they can listen their child's thoughts and
also
, they can share the feelings.

Secondly
, the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
parents
can teach the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
, how to
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
spend
their leisure
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
time
without the television or the computer and
also
, how can they enjoy by being with the environment. There
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
so
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
things in the environment that they can learn.

By helping to do their homework,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
parent
can build up a strong bond between the child and the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
parent
.
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
So
this
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
helps
with child to share
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
his or her
thoughts with the parent.

By doing this, we can
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
make
a pleasant and nice person in the world.

Nowadays
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
become
Reduce redundancy by using "little" or "bit".
little bit
rood for the others. By helping
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
for their works, we can teach them to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
think
about the others
also
. Then this world will be a
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
very
nice place to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
live
.

In my view,
Possible spelling mistake. 'analysing' is British English.
analysing
all these things
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
parents
should
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
spend
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
enough
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
time
with their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
for making the best persons.
5Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
29Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
3Mistakes
Do you know what a foreign accent is? It’s a sign of bravery.
Amy Chua

IELTS essay Parents should spend more time with their children helping them with their homework. v. 1

Essay
  American English
9 paragraphs
300 words
6
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 5.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 5.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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