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Some people like to do only what they already do well. Other people prefer to try new things and take risks. Which one do you prefer? v.2

Some people like to do only what they already do well. Other people prefer to try new things and take risks. Which one do you prefer? v. 2
From my everyday experience and observation, I think that all people who succeeded in life had to work hard and gain more knowledge and experience in order to reach their goals. From the other hand, people who all their life do things they already do well and do not improve their knowledge do not move forward. I base my statement on the following points. First of all, people who want to succeed must constantly improve their knowledge and gain more experience. Moreover, they must be the best at their profession. So, they need to try new things, take risks sometimes and work hard. Second of all, it is impossible to live without trying new things. Imagine one wants to learn how to drive. He will never be able to do it without learning new things such as driving rules. Personally, I think that it is very interesting to learn new, to gain more experience, to make new goals and reach them. Life is too short to stay in one place. People need changes because they make our lives more beautiful and exciting. We find out new things, learn new things and dream to know other things. People need challenges because while overcoming obstacles we make new discoveries, become stronger, perfect ourselves and move forward. To sum up, I believe that people's aspiration for learning new things is the main reason the way we live now. People make many discoveries and inventions that make our lives easier, happier and longer.
From my everyday
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
experience
and observation, I
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
think
that all
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
who succeeded in life had to work
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
hard
and gain more knowledge and
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
experience
in order to reach their goals. From the other hand,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
who all their life do things they already do well and do not
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
improve
their knowledge do not
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
move
forward. I base my statement on the following points.

This phrase is redundant. Consider using "first".
First of all
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
who want to succeed
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
must
constantly
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
improve
their knowledge and gain more
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
experience
.
Moreover
, they
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
must
be the best at their profession.
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
So
, they need to try
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
new
things, take
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
risks
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
sometimes
and work
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
hard
.

Second of all, it is impossible to
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
live
without trying
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
new
things. Imagine one wants to learn how to drive. He will never be able to do it without learning
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
new
things such as driving
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
rules
.

Personally
, I
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
think
that it is
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
very
interesting to learn
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
new
, to gain more
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
experience
, to
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
make
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
new
goals and reach them. Life is too short to stay in one place.
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
People
need
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
changes
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
they
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
make
our
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
lives
more
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
beautiful
and exciting. We find out
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
new
things, learn
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
new
things and dream to know other things.
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
People
need challenges
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
while overcoming obstacles we
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
make
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
new
discoveries, become stronger, perfect ourselves and
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
move
forward.

To sum up, I believe that
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
's aspiration for learning
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
new
things is the main reason the way we
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
live
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
now
.
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
People
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
make
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
discoveries and inventions that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
make
our
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
lives
easier, happier and longer.
2Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
28Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
1Mistakes
Speak a new language so that the world will be a new world.
Rumi

IELTS essay Some people like to do only what they already do well. Other people prefer to try new things and take risks. Which one do you prefer? v. 2

Essay
  American English
5 paragraphs
249 words
This writing has been penalized,
text can't be
less than 250 words in Task 2
and less than 150 words in Task 1
5.0
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 5.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.0
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 6.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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