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Overpopulation around the world is major problem, What are the causes of this? How can problem be solved. v.1

Overpopulation around the world is major problem, What are the causes of this? How can problem be solved. v. 1
Whereas the household burden has been largely increased that both men and women are needed job around the globe to equalize the overall burden. This essay will partially agree towards the working of both men and women; however, on the other side it will partially disagree. Firstly, those people who earn more money than their expenditure are not normally required their woman to do several jobs, as they have sufficient amount which can last longer without any difficulty. For example, in Pakistan almost 50% of people do not send their women to job outside as they have sufficient amount of money that can bear the expenses of the whole family. In short; therefore, the more money you have, the less panic your family has. Secondly, those men who are on daily wages and earn less than their daily expenditure are highly required their women to do several jobs outside of home no matter how society behaves and other environmental challenges they have. For instance, in India, for survival, each and every member of the family has to work for living on a daily basis outside of their home. In brief, it is necessary to seek employment if somebody is on daily wages and has the least amount of monthly income. Finally, household sharing matters for everyone, but in different ways as those who earn more do not have to push their females to seek employment; however, those who earn less can not even survive, if their whole members do not work properly.
Whereas the household burden has been
largely
increased that both
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
men
and
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
women
are needed
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
job
around the globe to equalize the
overall
burden. This essay will
partially
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
agree
towards the working of both
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
men
and
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
women
;
however
, on the other side it will
partially
disagree.

Firstly
, those
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
who
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
earn
more money than their expenditure are not
normally
required their woman to do several
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
jobs
, as they have sufficient amount which can last longer without any difficulty.
For example
, in Pakistan almost 50% of
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
do not
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
send
their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
women
to
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
job
outside as they have sufficient amount of money that can bear the expenses of the whole family. In short;
therefore
, the more money you have, the less panic your family has.

Secondly
, those
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
men
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
who
are on
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
daily
wages and
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
earn
less than their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
daily
expenditure are
highly
required their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
women
to do several
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
jobs
outside of home no matter how society behaves and other environmental challenges they have.
For instance
, in India, for survival, each and every member of the family
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
has to
work for living on a
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
daily
basis
This phrase is redundant. Consider using "outside".
outside of
their home.
In brief
, it is necessary to seek employment if somebody is on
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
daily
wages and has the least amount of monthly income.

Finally
, household sharing matters for everyone,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
in
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
different
ways as those
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
who
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
earn
more do not
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
have to
push their females to seek employment;
however
, those
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
who
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
earn
less can not even survive, if their whole members do not work
properly
.
7Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
7Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
7Mistakes

IELTS essay Overpopulation around the world is major problem, What are the causes of this? How can problem be solved. v. 1

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
252 words
7
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 7.0
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 7.0
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 7.0
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 7.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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