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One of the consequences of improved technology is that many jobs that used to be done by people can now be complete by robots or computers. Do you think the advantages of this development outweighs the disadvantages? v.1

One of the consequences of improved technology is that many jobs that used to be done by people can now be complete by robots or computers. Do you think the advantages of this development outweighs the disadvantages? v. 1
Due to the increasing advancement in technology, jobs doing by people will replace by robots or computers soon. Although this initiative has advantages like machines will be more accurate and less time-consuming. Still, in my opinion, the disadvantages are more worrisome because many people will lose their jobs, and devices are more prone to get down. On the one hand, many people believe that computer replacement over humans is more beneficial. They think that robots will do all the work single-handedly with the utmost precision. That will reduce the need for the workforce, and businesses do not have to hire many people. For example, these days, doctors are considering robots to operate complicated surgical procedures where the optimal precision required, like brain surgeries. However, I disagree with this view because robots are the machine and when it can down in the middle of the operation that will lead to a drastic situation which can be challenging to handle. On the other hand, in my opinion, machines cannot replace human efforts. If this happens many, people will lose their jobs, which will increase the rate of unemployment in the society. As a result, the economy of the nation will be dramatically affected. For example, In Canada, the number of financial institutions are replacing bank teller with the banking machine; therefore, many unfortunate, people lost their jobs in the last few years. Furthermore, I believe that computers can stop working without any intimation that will create a challenging situation and may take some time to reboot. For instance, in recent years, the most common reason for plane crashes are the computer system went down suddenly. To conclude, although computers have many benefits, it shouldn't be replaced over a human because people will lose their jobs, and equipment can stop working without a prior warning.
Due to the increasing advancement in technology,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
jobs
doing by
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
will replace by robots or computers
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
soon
. Although this initiative has advantages like
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
machines
will be more accurate and less time-consuming.
Still
, in my opinion, the disadvantages are more worrisome
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
will lose their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
jobs
, and devices are more prone to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
get
down.

On the one hand,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
believe that computer replacement over humans is more beneficial. They
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
think
that robots will do all the work single-
handedly
with the utmost precision. That will
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
reduce
the need for the workforce, and businesses do not
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
have to
hire
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
.
For example
, these days, doctors are considering robots to operate complicated surgical procedures where the optimal precision required, like brain surgeries.
However
, I disagree with this view
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
robots are the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
machine
and when it can down in the middle of the operation that will lead to a drastic situation which can be challenging
Did you mean "handling"? Or maybe you should add a pronoun? In active voice, 'challenge' + 'to' takes an object, usually a pronoun.
to handle
.

On the other hand
, in my opinion,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
machines
cannot replace human efforts. If this happens
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
will lose their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
jobs
, which will increase the rate of unemployment in the society.
As a result
, the economy of the nation will be
dramatically
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
affected
.
For example
, In Canada, the number of financial institutions are replacing bank teller with the banking
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
machine
;
therefore
,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
unfortunate,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
lost their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
jobs
in the last few years.
Furthermore
, I believe that computers can
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
stop
working without any intimation that will create a challenging situation and may take
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
time to reboot.
For instance
, in recent years, the most common reason for
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
plane
crashes are the computer system went down
suddenly
.

To conclude
, although computers have
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
benefits, it shouldn't
be replaced
over a human
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
will lose their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
jobs
, and equipment can
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
stop
working without a prior warning.
12Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
16Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
1Mistakes

IELTS essay One of the consequences of improved technology is that many jobs that used to be done by people can now be complete by robots or computers. Do you think the advantages of this development outweighs the disadvantages? v. 1

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
302 words
6.5
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 6.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 7.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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