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One of the consequences of improved medical care is that people are living longer and life expectancy is increasing. Do you think the advantages of this outweigh the disadvantages? v.3

The development of medicine has enabled people to live more years than previously and nowadays humans are expected to live a longer life. Even though people have not the same life expectancy in all countries, a remarkably trend to grow is perceived worldwide. To begin, this fact has already caused some interesting changes and I it is my belief that in the future will cause immense challenges. To start, it is stunning how science has succeeded and beaten the odds so that now has become possible for human race to live much longer than before. It is clear that the main advantage is that at present people live longer and better than in the past and they reach elder ages fitter and healthier thanks to proper medical care. Besides, quality of life has itself improved and the standards are significantly higher. Nevertheless, negative aspects are becoming more evident throughout the years and are required to be urgent handled. Based on the fact that people now live much longer than in the early years, the average age of inhabitants in most countries is higher. As a result, the population gets “old”, as it is commonly said, and it causes a chain of problems that were previously not expected. For instance, the worker force will be constituted by a lower percentage of the population and it will provoke the pension´s system to fail. Furthermore, resources in the Earth are becoming every day scarcer and if people live longer the number of humans living in the planet will as a consequence increase. In conclusion, even though there will be every day new challenges to resolve, I believe that this improvement is for the better and that human race will be substantially benefit from the progresses in medical care.
The development of medicine has enabled
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
to
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
live
more years than previously and nowadays
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
humans
are
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
expected
to
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
live
a
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
longer
life.
Even though
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
have not the same life expectancy in all countries, a
You used an adverb (‘remarkably’) instead of an adjective, or a noun (‘trend’) instead of another adjective.
remarkably trend
to grow
is perceived
worldwide.

To
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
begin
, this fact has already caused
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
interesting
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
changes
and I it is my belief that in the future will cause immense challenges. To
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
start
, it is stunning how science has succeeded and beaten the odds
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
so
that
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
now
has become possible for
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
human
race to
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
live
much
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
longer
than
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
before
. It is
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
clear
that the main advantage is that at present
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
live
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
longer
and better than in the
Use a comma before ‘and’ if it connects two independent clauses (unless they are closely connected and short).
past and
they reach elder ages fitter and healthier thanks to proper medical care.
Besides
, quality of life has itself
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
improved
and the standards are
significantly
higher.

Nevertheless
,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
negative
aspects are becoming more evident throughout the years and
are required
to be urgent handled. Based on the fact that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
now
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
live
much
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
longer
than in the early years, the average age of inhabitants in most countries is higher.
As a result
, the population
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
gets
“
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
old
”, as it is
commonly
said, and it causes a chain of problems that were previously not
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
expected
.
For instance
, the worker force will
be constituted
by a lower percentage of the
Use a comma before ‘and’ if it connects two independent clauses (unless they are closely connected and short).
population and
it will provoke the
The character between ‘pension’ and ‘s’ is an accent character, not a standard apostrophe character. Use “pension’s” (curly apostrophe) or “pension’s” (straight apostrophe).
pension´s
system to fail.
Furthermore
, resources in the Earth are becoming every day scarcer and if
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
live
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
longer
the number of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
humans
The usual preposition for “planet” is “on”. Did you mean “living on the planet”?
living in the planet
will as a consequence increase.

In conclusion
,
even though
there will be every day new challenges to resolve, I believe that this improvement is for the better and that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
human
race will be
substantially
benefit from the progresses in medical care.
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Nelson Mandela

IELTS essay One of the consequences of improved medical care is that people are living longer and life expectancy is increasing. Do you think the advantages of this development outweigh the disadvantages?

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
295 words
6.0
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 7.0
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.0
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 6.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
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  • Meet the criteria
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