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One of the consequences of improved medical care is that people are living longer and life expectancy is increasing. Do you think the advantages of this development outweigh the disadvantages? v.20

One of the consequences of improved medical care is that people are living longer and life expectancy is increasing. Do you think the advantages of this development outweigh the disadvantages? v. 20
Due to the advancement and innovation of medical technology, medical equipment and medical care nowadays seems to be a priority in every nation. Some people, believe that it is beneficial and helps people live longer, while other commenters, affirmed that the disadvantages outweigh the advantages. The writer, agrees with the latter view and the reason will discuss below followed by a conclusion. To start with, people are living in a a modern era, wherein, well-being of each citizen is considered as a blessing. Subsequently, medical equipment too was upgraded and improved like the facilities, equipment or medical machines, and insurance, which is paramount to each and everyone to sustain and helps humankind live longer. For instance, in the Philippines each Filipino citizen is encouraged to avail the so-called Philhealth so that they could access the health assistance facilities for free. Hence, could lead to desirable and increase life expectancy. Furthermore, due to improved medical care people nowadays, became more responsible for improving their well-being, consequently, elderly can still work in a certain job since they are still capable and healthy. For instance, a 60 year old supervisor in the grocery still working like any young individuals, she does not have any issue in her well-being and working so hard like other employees, since she has a regular free checkup due to improved health assistance. Hence, not a burden in the community and to the family. To sum up, I believe that medical care was designed to improve the life of each individual. Although, we cannot deny that are there few drawbacks, apparently, there are some measures to combat the issue, however I certainly agree that the advantages outweigh the disadvantages.
Due to the advancement and innovation of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
medical
technology,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
medical
equipment and
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
medical
care nowadays seems to be a priority in every nation.
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
Some
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
, believe that it is beneficial and
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
helps
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
live
longer, while other
Possible spelling mistake found.
commenters
, affirmed that the disadvantages outweigh the advantages. The writer,
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
agrees
with the latter view and the reason will discuss below followed by a conclusion.

To
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
start
with,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
are living in
Maybe you need to remove one determiner so that only "a" or "a" is left.
a a
modern era, wherein, well-being of each citizen
is considered
as a blessing.
Subsequently
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
medical
equipment too
was upgraded
and
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
improved
like the facilities, equipment or
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
medical
machines, and insurance, which is paramount to each and
Did you mean "every one"?
everyone
to sustain and
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
helps
humankind
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
live
longer.
For instance
, in the Philippines each Filipino citizen
is encouraged
to avail the
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
so
-called
Possible spelling mistake found.
Philhealth
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
so
that they could access the health assistance facilities for free.
Hence
, could lead to desirable and increase life expectancy.

Furthermore
, due to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
improved
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
medical
care
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
nowadays, became more responsible for improving their well-being,
consequently
, elderly can
still
work in a certain job since they are
still
capable and healthy.
For instance
, a 60 year
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
old
supervisor in the grocery
still
working like any young individuals, she does not have any issue in her well-being and working
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
so
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
hard
like other employees, since she has a regular free checkup due to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
improved
health assistance.
Hence
, not a burden in the community and to the family.

To sum up, I believe that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
medical
care
was designed
to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
improve
the life of each individual. Although, we cannot deny that are there few drawbacks,
apparently
, there are
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
measures to combat the issue,
however
I
certainly
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
agree
that the advantages outweigh the disadvantages.
8Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
8Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
8Mistakes
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IELTS essay One of the consequences of improved medical care is that people are living longer and life expectancy is increasing. Do you think the advantages of this development outweigh the disadvantages? v. 20

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
280 words
8
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 8.0
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 8.0
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 8.0
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 8.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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