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One of the consequences of improved medical care is that people are living longer and life expectancy is increasing. Do you think that advantages of this development outweigh the disadvantages? v.2

One of the consequences of improved medical care is that people are living longer and life expectancy is increasing. Do you think that advantages of this development outweigh the disadvantages? v. 2
Nowadays, advancement and new developments in the medical field are phenomenal. Governments allocate a large amount in their annual budget for research and development to minimize different diseases. In my opinion, medical protection advantages outweigh the disadvantages because with the advancement of medical custody, now people can contribute more to society and learn from their elders’ knowledge. The fundamental advantage is that people are more conscious about their diet, daily workouts and routine checkups. Modern facilities and advanced medicines have transformed the situation and cured many deadly diseases. With improved lifespan, people contribute more to society. Early retirement plans let them start another profession as they are more active these days. For instance, many professionals these days start their own business after their retirement. Resultantly, this trend wipes out unemployment. As a direct result of improved life-expectancy, people can spend more time with their family and grandchildren. Working parents can leave their children in a safe hand while they are at work. The way grandparents care for their grandchildren is incomparable to the attention they would receive from a day care centre. These elder people can share their experiences that will be useful for children in their upcoming endeavours. In stark contrast, longer life expectancy does not mean that a person will remain healthy throughout their life. But the number of retired people increase for the time being and the government spending on pension schemes and other welfare services will also increase directly. Furthermore, more retired people also mean lower tax revenue. Consequently, all these issues will ultimately put a tremendous burden on the country's economy. To conclude, people these days have increased lifespan due to better medical care. Despite the disadvantages, I believe this development is significantly beneficial because older people contribute more in society and youngster learns from elder knowledge.
Nowadays, advancement and new developments in the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
medical
field are phenomenal.
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
Governments
allocate a large amount in their annual budget for research and development to minimize
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
different
diseases. In my opinion,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
medical
protection advantages outweigh the disadvantages
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
with the advancement of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
medical
custody,
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
now
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
can contribute more to society and learn from their elders’ knowledge.

The fundamental advantage is that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
are more conscious about their diet, daily workouts and routine checkups. Modern facilities and advanced medicines have transformed the situation and cured
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
deadly diseases. With
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
improved
lifespan,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
contribute more to society. Early retirement plans
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
let
them
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
start
another profession as they are more active these days.
For instance
,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
professionals these days
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
start
their
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
own
business after their retirement.
Resultantly
, this trend wipes out unemployment.

As a direct result of
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
improved
life-expectancy,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
can spend more time with their family and grandchildren. Working parents can
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
leave
their children in a safe hand while they are at work. The way grandparents care for their grandchildren is incomparable to the attention they would receive from a day care
Possible spelling mistake. 'centre' is British English.
centre
. These elder
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
can share their experiences that will be useful for children in their upcoming
Possible spelling mistake. 'endeavours' is British English.
endeavours
.

In stark contrast, longer life expectancy does not mean that a person will remain healthy throughout their life.
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
But
the number of retired
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
increase for the time being and the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
government
spending on pension schemes and other welfare services will
also
increase
directly
.
Furthermore
, more retired
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
also
mean lower tax revenue.
Consequently
, all these issues will
ultimately
put a tremendous burden on the country's economy.

To conclude
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
these days have increased lifespan due to better
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
medical
care. Despite the disadvantages, I believe this development is
significantly
beneficial
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
older
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
contribute more in society and youngster learns from elder knowledge.
7Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
13Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
2Mistakes

IELTS essay One of the consequences of improved medical care is that people are living longer and life expectancy is increasing. Do you think that advantages of this development outweigh the disadvantages? v. 2

Essay
  American English
5 paragraphs
302 words
6
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 6.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.0
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.0
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 6.5
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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