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Countries with a long average working time are more economically successful than those countries which do not have a long working time. To what extent do you agree or disagree? v.1

Countries with a long average working time are more economically successful than those countries which do not have a long working time. v. 1
Some individuals contend that a prolonged average working hours of citizens could allow the state to have better economic development compared with nations which have shorter office hours. I completely agree with this argument. To begin with, longer office hours can be beneficial to the cities. Citizenry staying in workplace for longer time will have a higher salaries. Many companies pay workers according to their working time so those who work for longer or even stay overnight in the office can earn more. For example, nurses in US can have triple the hourly wage rate than original if they work for extra hours. Higher salaries of city dwellers implies that they have more savings, spending more on consumer goods like food, electronic gadgets, clothing. Thus, the expenditure of citizens will go to the companies so it will reinvest their income into the society. Consequently, the state will have more thriving economic growth due to the huge consumer spending. In addition, longer working hours can train citizen’s durability and this can motivate them to be more hard working. For example, Hong Kong is one of the city with longest working hours in the world, rated as one of the most competitive city in world. People who live in Hong Kong already get used to long working hours and overtime working is so common in there. Therefore, they treat 10 hours working as normal situation so civilians there are so hard working. Working overnight is even a culture in some of the financial industries in Hong Kong such as investment banking and audit. It is the endurable personality of residents trained through a decade that makes Hong kong a international financial center, being one of the most economically developed place. In conclusion, there are many advantages in terms of economic boosting for citizenry to stay longer in the workplace so I totally agree that lengthy working hours can make a state more economically competitive.
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
Some
individuals contend that a prolonged average
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
working
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
hours
of citizens could
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
allow
the state to have better economic development compared with nations which have shorter office
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
hours
. I completely
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
agree
with this argument.

To
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
begin
with,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
longer
office
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
hours
can be beneficial to the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
cities
. Citizenry staying in workplace for
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
longer
time will have a higher salaries.
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
Many
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
companies
pay workers according to their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
working
time
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
so
those who work for
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
longer
or even stay overnight in the office can earn more.
For example
, nurses in US can have triple the hourly wage rate than original if they work for extra
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
hours
. Higher salaries of city dwellers implies that they have more savings, spending more on consumer
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
goods
like food, electronic gadgets, clothing.
Thus
, the expenditure of citizens will go to the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
companies
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
so
it will reinvest their income into the society.
Consequently
, the state will have more thriving economic growth due to the huge consumer spending.

In addition
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
longer
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
working
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
hours
can train citizen’s durability and this can motivate them to be more
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
hard
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
working
.
For example
, Hong Kong is one of the city with
A determiner is probably missing here: "the longest".
longest
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
working
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
hours
in the world, rated as one of the most competitive city in world.
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
People
who
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
live
in Hong Kong already
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
get
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
used
to long
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
working
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
hours
and overtime
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
working
is
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
so
common in there.
Therefore
, they treat 10
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
hours
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
working
as normal situation
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
so
civilians there are
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
so
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
hard
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
working
.
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
Working
overnight is even a culture in
If the text is a generality, 'of the' is not necessary. Did you mean "some"?
some of the
financial industries in Hong Kong such as investment banking and audit. It is the endurable personality of residents trained through a decade that
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
makes
If the term is a proper noun, use initial capitals.
Hong kong
Use "an" instead of 'a' if the following word starts with a vowel sound, e.g. 'an article', 'an hour'
a
international financial center, being one of the most
economically
developed place.

In conclusion
, there are
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
advantages in terms of economic boosting for citizenry to stay
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
longer
in the workplace
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
so
I
totally
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
agree
that lengthy
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
working
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
hours
can
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
make
a state more
economically
competitive.
9Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
26Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
7Mistakes
I am always sorry when any language is lost, because languages are the pedigrees of nations.
Samuel Johnson

IELTS essay Countries with a long average working time are more economically successful than those countries which do not have a long working time. v. 1

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
322 words
6
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 5.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.0
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 6.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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