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One good way to promote world peace is through international sporting events. To what extent do you agree or disagree? v.1

One good way to promote world peace is through international sporting events. v. 1
Some today feel that international sporting events are an opportunity to encourage world peace between traditionally opposed nations. In my opinion, the shared comradery is marginal enough as to be largely meaningless. Proponents would argue that these events strengthen national bonds, particularly for the host country. Take the recent Olympics in Brasil as an example. Brasilian citizens and the government may have harboured animosity and prejudices towards various other countries where they have political, geographic, or economic ties. These predispositions might soften in citizens as they replace their generalised impressions with the real people now staying in their hotels, eating in their restaurants and passing them on the street. Governments will also have the opportunity to meet with foreign leaders in a spirit of friendly competition and without the tension of trade or military talks. Nonetheless, only a very small percentage of people will be influenced in this way relative to the global interactions that actually impact world peace. A good example of this would be the complex civil war taking place in Syria. Very few citizens in a war-torn nation care about sporting events, if they have any representatives, and the leaders may not even make the trip. They will be more concerned about which sides Russia and the United States are supporting and the outstanding problems that led to conflict in the first place. World peace is further imperiled by other Middle Eastern countries with a religious affiliation who are unlikely to be pacified through a football match. Competitions like the Olympics and World Cup cannot in any way alter these underlying sources of conflict. In conclusion, sports tournaments have very little role to play in a more peaceful world. Countries should take part in them to stir up national pride and achieve glory, not as a means to an unachievable political end.
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
Some
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
today
feel that international sporting
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
events
are an opportunity to encourage
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
world
peace between
traditionally
opposed nations. In my opinion, the shared
Possible spelling mistake found.
comradery
is marginal
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
enough
as to be
largely
meaningless.

Proponents would argue that these
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
events
strengthen national bonds,
particularly
for the host
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
country
. Take the recent Olympics in
Possible spelling mistake found.
Brasil
as an example.
Possible spelling mistake found.
Brasilian
citizens and the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
government
may have
Possible spelling mistake found.
harboured
animosity and prejudices towards various other
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
countries
where they have political, geographic, or economic ties. These predispositions might soften in citizens as they replace their
Possible spelling mistake. 'generalised' is British English.
generalised
impressions with the real
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
now
staying in their hotels, eating in their restaurants and passing them on the street.
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
Governments
will
also
have the opportunity to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
meet
with foreign leaders in a spirit of friendly competition and without the tension of trade or military talks.

Nonetheless,
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
only
a
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
very
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
small
percentage of
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
will
be influenced
in this way relative to the global interactions that actually impact
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
world
peace. A
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
good
example of this would be the complex civil war taking place in Syria.
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
Very
few citizens in a war-torn nation care about sporting
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
events
, if they have any representatives, and the leaders may not even
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
make
the trip. They will be more concerned about which sides Russia and the United States are supporting and the outstanding problems that led to conflict in the
first
place.
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
World
peace is
further
imperiled by other Middle Eastern
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
countries
with a religious affiliation who are unlikely to
be pacified
through a football match. Competitions like the Olympics and
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
World
Cup cannot in any way alter these underlying sources of conflict.

In conclusion
, sports tournaments have
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
very
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
little
role to play in a more peaceful
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
world
.
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
Countries
should
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
take part
in them to stir up national pride and achieve glory, not as a means to an unachievable political
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
end
.
5Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
9Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
5Mistakes
One should not aim at being possible to understand but at being impossible to misunderstand.
Marcus Fabius Quintilian

IELTS essay One good way to promote world peace is through international sporting events. v. 1

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
305 words
6
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 5.0
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.0
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 5.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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