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Obesity is increasing in many developing countries affecting the children. What are some possible reasons for this and suggest possible solutions v.2

Obesity is increasing in many developing countries affecting the children. What are some possible reasons for this and suggest possible solutions v. 2
It has been observed that there is a dramatic rise in the number of obese children in third world countries. This can be attributed to the involvement in several sedentary activities, lack of sports, and increased consumption of junk food. Solutions have been identified for this problem. To begin, one major cause of this unhealthy state is increased participation of school children in sedentary activities such as watching television and playing video games. These activities increase energy conservation, which eventually results in excessive weight gain. Also, lack of physical exercise is another point to consider. Most elementary and secondary school's curricula do not include exercises, and as such, putting them at risk of gaining weight. Additionally, several fast food stores exist in street corners in these developing countries, with their adverts targeted towards enticing children to purchase them. Furthermore, parents are often working long hours, with inadequate time to make healthy meals for their wards, and thus, leaving them at the mercy of these junk food shops. To illustrate, it was noted in Rwanda, a developing nation, that most school children now ingest foods containing higher quantities of unhealthy oils than they did in the past. However, there are measures that can be taken to combat this menace. Firstly, parents ought to restrict the duration spent by their wards engaging in sedentary acts, while also ensuring that time is set aside to prepare healthy meals. This method, for instance, has been introduced in some developed nations of the world like the United Kingdom, where families are mandated to consume at least five servings of fruits and vegetables daily. Also, academic settings should include at least 30 minutes of aerobics to help children lose weight. The government can also place a ban on adverts focused on these growing leaders. In conclusion, although obesity is an issue with several causes, engaging in sports, healthy living in families, and the government's prohibition of misleading adverts are some ways to curb this growing problem. It is hoped that many people, including children, will focus on living a healthy life.
It has
been observed
that there is a dramatic rise in the number of obese
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
in third world countries. This can
be attributed
to the involvement in several sedentary activities, lack of sports, and increased consumption of junk
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
food
. Solutions have
been identified
for this problem.

To
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
begin
, one major cause of this unhealthy state
is increased
participation of school
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
in sedentary activities such as watching television and playing video games. These activities increase energy conservation, which
eventually
results in excessive weight gain.
Also
, lack of physical exercise is another point to consider. Most elementary and secondary school's curricula do not include exercises, and as such, putting them at
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
risk
of gaining weight.
Additionally
, several
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
fast
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
food
stores exist in street corners in these
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
developing countries
, with their adverts targeted towards enticing
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
purchase
them.
Furthermore
, parents are
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
often
working long hours, with inadequate time to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
make
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
healthy
meals for their wards, and
thus
, leaving them at the mercy of these junk
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
food
shops. To illustrate, it
was noted
in Rwanda, a developing nation, that most school
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
now
ingest
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
foods
containing higher quantities of unhealthy oils than they did in the past.

However
, there are measures that can
be taken
to combat this menace.
Firstly
, parents ought to restrict the duration spent by their wards engaging in sedentary acts, while
also
ensuring that time
is set
aside to prepare
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
healthy
meals. This method,
for instance
, has
been introduced
in
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
developed nations of the world like the United Kingdom, where families
are mandated
to consume at least five servings of fruits and vegetables daily.
Also
, academic settings should include at least 30 minutes of aerobics to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
help
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
lose weight. The
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
government
can
also
place a ban on adverts focused on these growing leaders.

In conclusion
, although obesity is an issue with several causes, engaging in sports,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
healthy
living in families, and the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
government
's prohibition of misleading adverts are
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
ways to curb this growing problem. It
is hoped
that
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
, including
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
, will focus on living a
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
healthy
life.
8.5Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
8.5Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
8.5Mistakes

IELTS essay Obesity is increasing in many developing countries affecting the children. What are some possible reasons for this and suggest possible solutions v. 2

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
345 words
8.5
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 8.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 8.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 8.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 8.5
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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