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Nowdadays, there is a trend that the media focuses on problems and emergencies rather than positive developements. Some people think it is harmful to individuals and society. To what extent do you agree? v.1

Nowdadays, there is a trend that the media focuses on problems and emergencies rather than positive developements. Some people think it is harmful to individuals and society. v. 1
In recent days, the media publishes contents with issues and casualties instead of focusing on optimistic developments. Certain individuals think that it gives a detrimental effect on people and society. I agree to an extent that positive contents are needed for a society to walk in the direction of excellence, at the same time, the focus on emergencies will be alarming for the people to be cautious about dangerous problems. Firstly, the violent and negative content shared in any media will create an awareness among people not to become a victim of such incidents. For example, the Delhi Nirbhaya case, where a 23 year old girl was gang raped in a private bus, has become a lesson to many young women in India to avoid private unauthorized transportation, especially the less crowded ones. Secondly, the punishments and penalties given for these happenings should be shown to the entire country so that ill-minded people will hesitate to commit such crimes. However, there are many programmes that focus on positive developments, such as educational programmes, personality development talks, inspirational videos, intellectual talk shows, general knowledge programs, etc. . On the contrary, most of the population is interested in the sensational news with negativity and violence, which brings more profit for any media such as Television, YouTube and Newspapers. Because of which, to earn more profit, they present a lot of such content to its viewers. We cannot deny the fact that any organisation's success is based on the money they make. In conclusion, I believe that the contents are already available in all the media, where people's choices should change and they should focus on the ones that may help the growth of the individual as well as the nation. After all, an individual excellence is purely based on the take-away from any content shown to him, despite of its nature.
In recent days, the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
media
publishes contents with issues and casualties
instead
of focusing on optimistic developments. Certain individuals
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
think
that it gives a detrimental effect on
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
and society. I
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
agree
to an extent that
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
positive
contents
are needed
for a society to walk in the direction of excellence, at the same time, the focus on emergencies will be alarming for the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
to be cautious about
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
dangerous
problems.

Firstly
, the violent and
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
negative
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
content
shared in any
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
media
will create an awareness among
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
not to become a victim of such incidents.
For example
, the Delhi
Possible spelling mistake found.
Nirbhaya
case, where a 23 year
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
old
girl was gang raped in a private bus, has become a lesson to
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
young women in India to avoid private unauthorized transportation,
especially
the less crowded
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
ones
.
Secondly
, the punishments and penalties
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
given
for these happenings should
be shown
to the entire country
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
so
that ill-minded
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
will hesitate to commit such crimes.

However
, there are
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
Possible spelling mistake. 'programmes' is British English.
programmes
that focus on
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
positive
developments, such as educational
Possible spelling mistake. 'programmes' is British English.
programmes
, personality development talks, inspirational videos, intellectual talk
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
shows
, general knowledge programs, etc.
Two consecutive dots
.
On the contrary
, most of the population
is interested
in the sensational news with negativity and violence, which brings more profit for any
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
media
such as Television, YouTube and Newspapers.
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
Because
of which, to earn more profit, they present
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
a lot of
such
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
content
to its viewers. We cannot deny the fact that any
Possible spelling mistake. 'organisation' is British English.
organisation
's success
is based
on the money they
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
make
.

In conclusion
, I believe that the contents are already available in all the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
media
, where
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
's choices should
Use a comma before 'and' if it connects two independent clauses (unless they are closely connected and short).
change and
they should focus on the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
ones
that may
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
help
the growth of the individual
as well
as the nation.
After all
, an individual excellence is
purely
based on the take-away from any
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
content
shown to him,
Did you mean "despite" (or, alternatively, 'in spite of')?
despite of
its nature.
8.5Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
8.5Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
8.5Mistakes
The limits of my language mean the limits of my world.
Ludwig Wittgenstein

IELTS essay Nowdadays, there is a trend that the media focuses on problems and emergencies rather than positive developements. Some people think it is harmful to individuals and society. v. 1

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
309 words
8.5
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 8.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 8.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 8.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 8.5
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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