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Nowadays young people are admiring media and sports stars, even though they do not set a good example. Do you think this is a positive or negative development? v.3

Nowadays young people are admiring media and sports stars, even though they do not set a good example. Do you think this is a positive or negative development? v. 3
The adolescents have a great amount of admiration towards the Public figures. Although, some people believe that the public figures do not set a right example for the teenagers and many believe otherwise. In my view, there are positive as well as negative aspects. There are various positive aspects of the public figures being a role model for today's youth, they could inspire the teenagers physically and mentally. To begin with, most of the actors and sports stars are extremely healthy and fit. This could influence the adolescents, and they could start working towards attaining a healthy lifestyle. Secondly, we have also seen the dedication and the hard work put into their day to day lives of these celebrities. These personal traits could also alter the minds of the adolescents positively. For example, Sachin Tendular with his dedication and hard work has inspired a number of adolescents to acquire the same amount of dedication and hard work, Virat Kolhi as a teenager was inspired by Sachin Tendular, and see can see he reached towards being a successful player. Hence, it can be concluded that celebrities can influence the youth to a great extent, in most cases positively. However, there are also some downsides to this. Not all the media and the sports personnel are responsible for their acts in public. Most of these stars are always in the news, so certain behaviours such as smoking in public, drinking of excessive alcohol could lead in setting a bad example for the youth. Hence, if the celebrities do not take responsibility for their actions in public, it could lead to detrimental effects. To conclude, role models play a more positive role in inspiring and motivating the adolescents. However, the celebrities should take full responsibility of their actions to avoid any detrimental effects.
The
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
adolescents
have a great amount of admiration towards the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
Public
figures. Although,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
believe that the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
public
figures do not set a right example for the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
teenagers
and
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
believe
otherwise
. In my view, there are
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
positive
as well
as
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
negative
aspects.

There are various
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
positive
aspects of the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
public
figures being a role model for
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
today
's youth, they could inspire the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
teenagers
physically
and mentally. To
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
begin
with, most of the actors and sports stars are
extremely
healthy and fit. This could influence the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
adolescents
, and they could
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
start
working towards attaining a healthy lifestyle.
Secondly
, we have
also
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
seen
the dedication and the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
hard
work put into their
It appears that two hyphens are missing.
day to day
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
lives
of these
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
celebrities
. These personal traits could
also
alter the minds of the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
adolescents
positively
.
For example
,
Possible spelling mistake found.
Sachin
Possible spelling mistake found.
Tendular
with his dedication and
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
hard
work has inspired a number of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
adolescents
to acquire the same amount of dedication and
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
hard
work,
Possible spelling mistake found.
Virat
Possible spelling mistake found.
Kolhi
as a
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
teenager
was inspired
by
Possible spelling mistake found.
Sachin
Possible spelling mistake found.
Tendular
, and
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
see
can
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
see
he reached towards being a successful player.
Hence
, it can
be concluded
that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
celebrities
can influence the youth to a great extent,
in most cases
positively
.

However
, there are
also
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
downsides to this. Not all the media and the sports personnel are responsible for their acts in
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
public
. Most of these stars are always in the news,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
so
certain
Possible spelling mistake. 'behaviours' is British English.
behaviours
such as smoking in
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
public
, drinking of excessive alcohol could lead in setting a
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
bad
example for the youth.
Hence
, if the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
celebrities
do not take responsibility for their actions in
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
public
, it could lead to detrimental effects.

To conclude
, role models play a more
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
positive
role in inspiring and motivating the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
adolescents
.
However
, the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
celebrities
should take full responsibility of their actions to avoid any detrimental effects.
8Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
8Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
8Mistakes
Language shapes the way we think, and determines what we can think about.
Benjamin Lee Whorf

IELTS essay Nowadays young people are admiring media and sports stars, even though they do not set a good example. Do you think this is a positive or negative development? v. 3

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
300 words
8
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 8.0
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 8.0
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 8.0
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 8.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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