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Nowadays young people are admiring media and sports stars, even though they do not set a good example. Do you think this is a positive or negative development? v.1

Nowadays young people are admiring media and sports stars, even though they do not set a good example. Do you think this is a positive or negative development? v. 1
In current days it is common that people idolize all kinds of celebrites even when they are not portreating a good role model. In my opinion it is never good to have an idole that missbehaves, becuse it can become that the persone who idolizes the celebrity starts to think that is normal behaviour. Specially with children it can be a problem to follow the bad trends of some fameous person. Firstly, it can be quite a downside for a individual to be mesmerized with a well known person with bad habbits. Some people just get caught in lifes of those who are popular in that extend that they want to be just like them. This is why for them it is normal to imitate what they do. That is why some people spend way too much money on the stuff they really don't need and on the other hand they can not afford, but they just want to be like their favourit music star. There is also those who start to think that drinking alcohol on daily basis and consuming drugs, is a normal just because some popular soccer player is doing it. Secondly, the kids can be badly affected by a negative side of fameous stars. As we all know teenagers and children spend a lot of time on social media, internet and television, and they are easily manipulated by their idols. For instance all teh young girls want to look like singers or actors from Hollywood even though those ladies a lot of time promote how important is to look skinny and pretty. This can have a big effect on a yound teenage girl to the extend that she can starve herself to anorexia. In conclusion, celebrites are being praised by young people in this days even when their behaviour is not at the best. My view on it is that it can have negative effect specially in teenagers. It is not considerd good to praise someone with poor manners, because one can go the same road as them and not even noticing.
In
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
current
days it is common that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
idolize all kinds of
Possible spelling mistake found.
celebrites
even when they are not
Possible spelling mistake found.
portreating
a
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
good
role model. In my opinion it is never
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
good
to have an
Possible spelling mistake found.
idole
that
Possible spelling mistake found.
missbehaves
,
Possible spelling mistake found.
becuse
it can become that the
Possible spelling mistake found.
persone
who idolizes the celebrity
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
starts
to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
think
that is
normal
Possible spelling mistake. 'behaviour' is British English.
behaviour
.
Specially
with children it can be a problem to follow the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
bad
trends of
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
Possible spelling mistake found.
fameous
person.

Firstly
, it can be quite a downside for
Use "an" instead of 'a' if the following word starts with a vowel sound, e.g. 'an article', 'an hour'
a
individual to
be mesmerized
with a well known person with
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
bad
Possible spelling mistake found.
habbits
.
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
Some
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
just
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
get
caught in
Possible spelling mistake. Did you mean "lives", the plural form of the noun 'life'?
lifes
of those who are popular in that extend that they want to be
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
just
like them. This is why for them it is normal to imitate what they do.
That is
why
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
spend way too much money on the stuff they
really
don't need and
on the other hand
they can not afford,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
they
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
just
want to be like their
Possible spelling mistake found.
favourit
music star. There is
also
those who
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
start
to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
think
that drinking alcohol on daily basis and consuming drugs, is a normal
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
just
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
popular soccer player is doing it.

Secondly
, the kids can be
badly
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
affected
by a
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
negative
side of
Possible spelling mistake found.
fameous
stars. As we all know
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
teenagers
and children spend
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
a lot of
time on social media, internet and television, and they are
easily
manipulated by their idols.
For instance
all
Possible spelling mistake found.
teh
young girls want to look like singers or actors from Hollywood
even though
those ladies
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
a lot of
time promote how
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
important
is to look skinny and pretty. This can have a
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
big
effect on a
Possible spelling mistake found.
yound
teenage girl to the
Did you mean "extent" ('extent' is a noun, 'extend' is a verb)?
extend
that she can starve herself to anorexia.

In conclusion
,
Possible spelling mistake found.
celebrites
are
being praised
by young
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
in
It seems that a possessive apostrophe is missing.
this days
even when their
Possible spelling mistake. 'behaviour' is British English.
behaviour
is not at the best. My view on it is that it can have
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
negative
effect
specially
in
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
teenagers
. It is not
Possible spelling mistake found.
considerd
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
good
to praise someone with poor manners,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
one can go the same road as them and not even noticing.
9Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
4Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
20Mistakes

IELTS essay Nowadays young people are admiring media and sports stars, even though they do not set a good example. Do you think this is a positive or negative development? v. 1

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
346 words
6
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 6.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 6.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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