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Nowadays young people are admiring media and sports stars, even though they do not set a good example. Do you think this is a positive or negative development? v.2

Nowadays young people are admiring media and sports stars, even though they do not set a good example. Do you think this is a positive or negative development? v. 2
I think it is a negative development that young people continue to admire these media and sports stars in spite of their negative influence. In my essay, I will outline some of the dangerous impact it has. A lot of young people look up to these athletes and entertainment celebrities as role models because of their enormous wealth and their success over time and they tend to copy every aspect of their lives into theirs. The problem is, they don't see behind the fame and all the failures these stars have been through that have made them a success. The ignorance has made a lot of young people made the wrong decision by trying to get rich and famous quickly, which mostly end in a life of misery for the person and their parent or guardian. Admiring a popular figure who is a negative example is terrible for society as a whole. The effects can lead to a higher figure in crime rate, great depression, substance abuse, increased high school dropout rate, increase in unqualified citizens to perform well in available jobs, thereby leading to a high unemployment and a shortage of talent at the same time. When these younger ones start going astray a lot of things can go wrong if nothing is done to stop it. In conclusion, we need to control how much negative influence we let out from the media and prepare younger people to be able to recognize the negative influence and how they can slowly lead them on to a path they may not be prepared for.
I
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
think
it is a
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
negative
development that young
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
continue to admire these media and sports stars
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
in spite of
their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
negative
influence. In my essay, I will outline
If the text is a generality, 'of the' is not necessary. Did you mean "some"?
some of the
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
dangerous
impact it has.

This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
A lot of
young
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
look up to these athletes and entertainment celebrities as role models
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
of their enormous wealth and their success over
Use a comma before 'and' if it connects two independent clauses (unless they are closely connected and short).
time and
they tend to copy every aspect of their
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
lives
into theirs. The problem is, they don't
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
see
behind the fame and all the failures these stars have been through that have made them a success. The ignorance has made
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
a lot of
young
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
made the
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
wrong
decision by trying to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
get
rich and
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
famous
quickly
, which
mostly
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
end
in a life of misery for the person and their parent or guardian.

Admiring a popular figure who is a
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
negative
example is terrible for society as a whole. The effects can lead to a higher figure in crime rate, great depression, substance abuse, increased high school dropout rate, increase in unqualified citizens to perform well in available jobs, thereby leading to a high unemployment and a shortage of talent at the same time. When these younger ones
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
start
going astray
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
a lot of
things can go
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
wrong
if nothing
is done
to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
stop
it.

In conclusion
, we need to control how much
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
negative
influence we
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
let
out from the media and prepare younger
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
to be able to recognize the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
negative
influence and how they can
slowly
lead them on to a path they may not
be prepared
for.
1Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
9Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
2Mistakes

IELTS essay Nowadays young people are admiring media and sports stars, even though they do not set a good example. Do you think this is a positive or negative development? v. 2

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
263 words
6.5
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 5.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 5.5
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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