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Nowadays the level of violence is increasing in video games and some TV programs. What are the reasons behind this? What can be the the effects and solutions? v.1

Nowadays the level of violence is increasing in video games and some TV programs. What are the reasons behind this? What can be the the effects and solutions? v. 1
There is always a fierce debate about whether schools should adopt a co-educational system. Some people believe that students should study in gender-specific school whereas others argue with the opposite opinion. In my view, the latter view seems more acceptable due to the personality development. Advocates of attending single-gender schools based their reasons on that such environment could reduce distractions, which further encourages students to concentrate more on their studies. Moreover, it provides a more relaxing environment than their co-ed counterparts. This is because when students are among peers that are physically similar to them, they would feel more comfortable and freely to be themselves without the gender prejudice from the difference of biological sexes. On the other hand, some experts dispute that coeducation could prepare youngsters with better communication skills. In other words, boys and girls learn to live together since they were little have better social skills. It is because that the cultivation of personality growth plays a much more crucial role in the early life stage. For example, if boys and girls learn together from an early age, it allows them to mingle with, extract the advantages from each other and further realize how to co-exist with respect. In other words, the co-education system helps to break down the misconceptions of each sex and provides an excellent foundation for the development of healthy relationships in later life. In addition, it is unrealistic to separate them in the long term. In the future, everyone still needs to interact with the opposite gender. As a result, the best way is to learn how to establish healthy gender relationships in school times. In conclusion, I think that there are more benefits to coeducation compared to single-gender schools. The former would make the students aware of the respect and tolerance in a diverse personality, and in turn, construct a more comprehensive character cultivation.
There is always a fierce debate about whether
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
schools
should adopt a co-educational system.
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
Some
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
believe that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
students
should study in gender-specific
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
school
whereas others argue with the opposite opinion. In my view, the latter view seems more acceptable due to the personality development.

Advocates of attending single-gender
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
schools
based their reasons on that such environment could
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
reduce
distractions, which
further
encourages
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
students
to concentrate more on their studies.
Moreover
, it provides a more relaxing environment than their co-ed counterparts. This is
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
when
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
students
are among peers that are
physically
similar to them, they would feel more comfortable and
freely
to be themselves without the gender prejudice from the difference of biological sexes.

On the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
other
hand,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
experts dispute that coeducation could prepare youngsters with better communication
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
skills
. In
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
other
words, boys and girls learn to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
live
together since they were
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
little
Consider using a past participle here: "had".
have
better social
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
skills
. It is
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
that the cultivation of personality growth plays a much more crucial role in the early life stage.
For example
, if boys and girls learn together from an early age, it
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
allows
them to mingle with, extract the advantages from each
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
other
and
further
realize how to co-exist with respect. In
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
other
words, the co-education system
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
helps
to break down the misconceptions of each sex and provides an excellent foundation for the development of healthy relationships in later life.
In addition
, it is unrealistic to separate them in the long term.
Three successive sentences begin with the same word. Consider rewording the sentence or use a thesaurus to find a synonym.
In
the future, everyone
still
needs to interact with the opposite gender.
As a result
, the best way is to learn how to establish healthy gender relationships in
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
school
times.

In conclusion
, I
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
think
that there are more benefits to coeducation compared to single-gender
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
schools
. The former would
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
make
the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
students
aware of the respect and tolerance in a diverse personality, and in turn, construct a more comprehensive character cultivation.
7.5Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
7.5Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
7.5Mistakes

IELTS essay Nowadays the level of violence is increasing in video games and some TV programs. What are the reasons behind this? What can be the the effects and solutions? v. 1

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
312 words
7.5
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 7.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 7.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 7.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 7.5
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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