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You have the opportunity to visit a foreign country for two weeks. Which country would you like to visit? Use specific reasons and details to explain your choice. v.2

You have the opportunity to visit a foreign country for two weeks. Which country would you like to visit? Use specific reasons and details to explain your choice. v. 2
Nowadays there are many different obstacles and possible solutions that make a strong influence on kids. Some people think that friends play an important role for young adults while others believe that family influences the most on youngsters. Personally, I sure that immediate family plays a crucial role during younger ages for two reasons. Firstly, The major point is that parents help their children in life. It is undeniable that there are many problems at school as well as in personal life and development. The most vital aspects are studying and hobbies because they form and define a human as a person. As a result, it is easy to notice that parents always want to do the best for their child and provide some assistance in a particular way. For instance, helping with homework may encourage a child to do it by himself and to be more confident in the future. Consequently, all problems a kid's face with his family, so it allows to become stronger by overcoming these obstacles. Secondly, knowledge and life experience are vital to the character. It is true that from parents' children discover the unknown world and build their attitudes and opinions about other things and people. Thus, this process defines their habits and passions. In this case good and noble relatives explain and show some basic habits such as brushing teeth twice a day and, in addition, they point out what is good and what is bad. Finally, small decisions become actions, actions become habits which make a kid’s way of life. To draw to conclusion, I am of the opinion that only relations between children and parents are underlying principles, because they strengthen characters and bring vital information.
Nowadays there are
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
different
obstacles and possible solutions that
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
make
a strong influence on kids.
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
Some
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
think
that friends play an
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
important
role for young adults while others believe that family influences the most on youngsters.
Personally
, I sure that immediate family plays a crucial role during younger ages for two reasons.

Firstly
, The major point is that parents
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
help
their children in life. It is undeniable that there are
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
problems at school
as well
as in personal life and development. The most vital aspects are studying and hobbies
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
they form and define a human as a person.
As a result
, it is easy to notice that parents always want to do the best for their child and provide
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
assistance in a particular way.
For instance
, helping with homework may encourage a child to do it by himself and to be more confident in the future.
Consequently
, all problems a kid's face with his family,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
so
it
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
allows
Did you mean "becoming"? Or maybe you should add a pronoun? In active voice, 'allow' + 'to' takes an object, usually a pronoun.
to become
stronger by overcoming these obstacles.

Secondly
, knowledge and life experience are vital to the character. It is true that from parents' children discover the unknown world and build their attitudes and opinions about other things and
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
.
Thus
, this process defines their habits and passions.
In this case
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
good
and noble relatives
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
explain
and
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
show
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
basic habits such as brushing teeth twice a day and,
in addition
, they point out what is
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
good
and what is
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
bad
.
Finally
,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
small
decisions become actions, actions become habits which
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
make
a kid’s way of life.

To draw to conclusion, I am of the opinion that
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
only
relations between children and parents are underlying principles,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
they strengthen characters and bring vital information.
7.5Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
7.5Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
7.5Mistakes

IELTS essay You have the opportunity to visit a foreign country for two weeks. Which country would you like to visit? Use specific reasons and details to explain your choice. v. 2

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
285 words
7.5
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 7.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 7.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 7.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 7.5
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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