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Nowadays, sport is becoming a big business with high earning for professional sportsmen and a lot of companies have involved in financially and in other ways. Is this a positive or negative development? v.1

Nowadays, sport is becoming a big business with high earning for professional sportsmen and a lot of companies have involved in financially and in other ways. Is this a positive or negative development? v. 1
Sport has turned out as a multi-billion-dollar industry thanks to the involvement of business firms, which economically benefits athletes. While I accept that this tendency exerts advantageous impacts on the society, I believe that it also brings about several drawbacks. On the one hand, when money is poured into sports, it acts as a catalyst for a positive development by two major reasons. Regarding to athletes, their participation in sport merchandising, such as the endorsement of sporting goods, is believed to substantially upgrade their incomes. As a result, they may find it easier to earn a living and assure a decent life, compared to their predecessors in the past and, therefore, can completely focus on their career and boost their achievement. Regarding to the nation’s sports, its prosperity is expected to eradicate the stereotype that athletes never reap an adequate remuneration to their dedications and efforts. Therefore, this will motivate more youngsters to take up sports, which may provides a huge number of potential sport professions for the country. On the other hand, when sport is transformed into a business, it also contributes to the emergence of many problems. Firstly, the engaging economic output is sometimes prioritized over the Olympic ideal by athletes. Consequently, this leads to a win-at-all-cost attitude, which drives sportsmen to illegal behaviors, like using performance-enhancing drugs. Secondly, a more serious challenge stems from sports betting, which may make athletes turn into crime due to getting involved in match fixing, as we see in football recently, when many Vietnamese players were disqualified from participation due to being manipulated by sports betting criminals. If athletes are not mature enough, the financial outcome will jeopardized their careers by eroding moral characters. In conclusion, I opine that when people commercialize sports, not only does this create beneficial effects but also promotes many obstacles.
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
Sport
has turned out as a multi-billion-dollar industry thanks to the involvement of business firms, which
economically
benefits
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
athletes
. While I accept that this tendency exerts advantageous impacts on the society, I believe that it
also
brings about several drawbacks.

On the one hand, when money
is poured
into
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
sports
, it acts as a catalyst for a
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
positive
development by two major reasons.
The phrase 'Regarding to' is not correct. Use "Regarding" or "regard to".
Regarding to
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
athletes
, their participation in
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
sport
merchandising, such as the endorsement of sporting
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
goods
,
is believed
to
substantially
upgrade their incomes.
As a result
, they may find it easier to earn a living and assure a decent life, compared to their predecessors in the past and,
therefore
, can completely focus on their career and boost their achievement.
The phrase 'Regarding to' is not correct. Use "Regarding" or "regard to".
Regarding to
the nation’s
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
sports
, its prosperity is
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
expected
to eradicate the stereotype that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
athletes
never reap an adequate remuneration to their dedications and efforts.
Therefore
, this will motivate more youngsters to take up
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
sports
, which may provides a huge number of potential
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
sport
professions for the country.

On the other hand
, when
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
sport
is transformed
into a business, it
also
contributes to the emergence of
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
problems.
Firstly
, the engaging economic output is
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
sometimes
prioritized over the Olympic ideal by
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
athletes
.
Consequently
, this leads to a win-at-all-cost attitude, which drives sportsmen to illegal behaviors, like using performance-enhancing drugs.
Secondly
, a more serious challenge stems from
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
sports
betting, which may
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
make
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
athletes
turn into crime due to getting involved in match fixing, as we
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
see
in football recently, when
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
Vietnamese players
were disqualified
from participation due to
being manipulated
by
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
sports
betting criminals. If
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
athletes
are not mature
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
enough
, the financial outcome will
The verb 'will' requires the base form of the verb: "jeopardize"
jeopardized
their careers by eroding moral characters.

In conclusion
, I opine that when
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
commercialize
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
sports
, not
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
only
does this create beneficial effects
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
also
promotes
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
obstacles.
14Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
16Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
3Mistakes

IELTS essay Nowadays, sport is becoming a big business with high earning for professional sportsmen and a lot of companies have involved in financially and in other ways. Is this a positive or negative development? v. 1

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
303 words
6.0
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 6.0
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 5.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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