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Nowadays, some celebrities such as film stars, sportsmen and pop musicians are paid too much money. Do you agree or disagree? Which jobs should be highly paid? v.2

Nowadays, some celebrities such as film stars, sportsmen and pop musicians are paid too much money. Which jobs should be highly paid? v. 2
An unlimited access to any information has changed the world in a way which can't be reversed. The popularity of some people called celebrities is their main source of financial benefits. Personally, I think that celebrities have their right to be paid a lot and it is a consequence of the structure of the modern retail system. First of all, entertainment has become such a remarkable sphere only recently when the pace of life increased. People's expectations of life are high, because everything seems achievable. Everybody knows that to work hard is a hallmark of a successful person, and such an approach could cause a depression and tiredness. An ability to relieve is just as crucial as an ability to drink water. Due to this, it's logical and natural to celebrities to have such an influence of the society. Jobs, which our community really needs, should be paid the most. No arguments exist that this rule cannot be applied to celebrities as well, because they are important members of our community. In addition to this, one of the laws of the market now is to pay a lot of professions, which have a high demand. This is a direct consequence of the capitalism. According to this, if celebrities are needed by many people, they totally deserve to be paid well. Even their importance doesn't matter. An example of this general rule is a tendency to pay high salaries to software developers. They have become important only recently, because a tremendous market of software appeared. Laws of financial flows continue to work according to their nature of capitalism. In conclusion, humanity has a well-established economic system, which works according to its initial structure. Many effects of this could seem controversial, but they are totally justified. The distribution of salaries is as honest as it is ruled by the market laws. The market itself should decide which jobs should be paid.
Uncountable nouns are usually not used with an indefinite article. Use simply "unlimited access".
An unlimited access
to any information has
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
changed
the world in a way which can't
be reversed
. The popularity of
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
called
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
celebrities
is their main source of financial benefits.
Personally
, I
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
think
that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
celebrities
have their right to be
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
paid
a lot and it is a consequence of the structure of the modern retail system.

This phrase is redundant. Consider using "first".
First of all
, entertainment has become such a remarkable sphere
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
only
recently when the pace of life increased.
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
People
's expectations of life are high,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
everything seems achievable. Everybody knows that to work
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
hard
is a hallmark of a successful person, and such an approach could cause a depression and tiredness. An ability to relieve is
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
just
as crucial as an ability to drink water. Due to this, it's logical and natural to
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
celebrities
to have such an influence of the society. Jobs, which our community
really
needs, should be
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
paid
the most. No arguments exist that this
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
rule
cannot
be applied
to
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
celebrities
as well
,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
they are
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
important
members of our community.

In addition
to this, one of the laws of the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
market
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
now
is to pay
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
a lot of
professions, which have a high demand. This is a direct consequence of the capitalism. According to this, if
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
celebrities
are needed
by
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
, they
totally
deserve to be
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
paid
well. Even their importance doesn't matter. An example of this general
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
rule
is a tendency to pay high salaries to software developers. They have become
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
important
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
only
recently,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
a tremendous
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
market
of software appeared. Laws of financial flows continue to work according to their nature of capitalism.

In conclusion
, humanity has a well-established economic system, which works according to its initial structure.
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
Many
effects of this could seem controversial,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
they are
totally
justified. The distribution of salaries is as honest as it
is ruled
by the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
market
laws. The
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
market
itself should decide which jobs should be
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
paid
.
4Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
13Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
2Mistakes
One language sets you in a corridor for life. Two languages open every door along the way.
Frank Smith

IELTS essay Nowadays, some celebrities such as film stars, sportsmen and pop musicians are paid too much money. Which jobs should be highly paid? v. 2

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
319 words
6
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 5.0
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 5.5
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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