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Nowadays, people are spending more time away from their home because they spend longer in their workplace. Discuss the advantages and disadvantages? v.3

Nowadays, people are spending more time away from their home because they spend longer in their workplace. Discuss the advantages and disadvantages? v. 3
It is clear that spending time is maybe the most important issue in people’s lives because of the fact that our time in this world is limited. In this context, many people are being more workaholics and prefer to spend more time in their offices rather than at their home. This issue has some advantages and disadvantages and in the following paragraphs, I will try to discuss these pros and cons. As it is clear from above, there are many positive results of being workaholics. First of all, people can give more time in their office, which will benefit them in their career because they are an expert of their job. For example; when workaholic people spend time in office, they can learn and apply which shall be beneficial in shaping their career. Thus, they can boost their business skills and build their knowledge and experience. Moreover, they can get promoted at work. Hence they can earn more money. What I mean is that they can create greater financial stability and acquire financial balance. On the other hand; besides the advantages, there are also some drawbacks for workaholic people. Firstly, the most negative impact is experienced/confronted in their relationships with their family members or their friends because they spend too much time on their office so they do not have the opportunity to socialize. By this means, they have limited free time and so they watch their friend having fun without them. The other disadvantage is that the stress they faced in their job. They have a heavier workload in their job so they have to sleep less. Consequently, they think too much about their workload and they feel stressed. All in all, in the light of the aforementioned points, it can be effortlessly concluded that there are several positive and negative results of being workaholics for people.
It is
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
clear
that spending
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
time
is maybe the most
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
important
issue in
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people’s
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
lives
This phrase is redundant. Consider using "because".
because of the fact that
our
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
time
in this world
is limited
. In this context,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
are being more workaholics and prefer to spend more
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
time
in their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
offices
rather
than at their home. This issue has
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
advantages and disadvantages and in the following paragraphs, I will try to discuss these pros and cons.

As it is
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
clear
from above, there are
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
positive
results of being workaholics.
This phrase is redundant. Consider using "first".
First of all
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
can give more
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
time
in their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
office
, which will benefit them in their career
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
they are an expert of their job.
For example
; when workaholic
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
spend
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
time
in
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
office
, they can learn and apply which shall be beneficial in shaping their career.
Thus
, they can boost their business
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
skills
and build their knowledge and experience.
Moreover
, they can
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
get
promoted at work.
Did you forget a comma after a conjunctive/linking adverb?
Hence
they can earn more money. What I mean is that they can create greater financial stability and acquire financial balance.

On the other hand
;
besides
the advantages, there are
also
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
drawbacks for workaholic
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
.
Firstly
, the most
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
negative
impact
is experienced
/confronted in their relationships with their family members or their friends
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
they spend too much
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
time
on their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
office
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
so
they do not have the opportunity to socialize. By this means, they have limited free
Use a comma before 'and' if it connects two independent clauses (unless they are closely connected and short).
time and
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
so
they
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
watch
their friend having fun without them. The other disadvantage is that the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
stress
they faced in their job. They have a heavier workload in their job
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
so
they
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
have to
sleep less.
Consequently
, they
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
think
too much about their
Use a comma before 'and' if it connects two independent clauses (unless they are closely connected and short).
workload and
they feel
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
stressed
.

All in all, in the light of the aforementioned points, it can be
effortlessly
concluded that there are several
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
positive
and
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
negative
results of being workaholics for
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
.
11Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
17Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
7Mistakes
The conquest of learning is achieved through the knowledge of languages.
Roger Bacon

IELTS essay Nowadays, people are spending more time away from their home because they spend longer in their workplace. Discuss the advantages and disadvantages? v. 3

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
308 words
6
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 5.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 5.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 6.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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