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Nowadays, people are spending more time away from their home because they spend longer in their workplace. Discuss the advantages and disadvantages? v.1

Nowadays, people are spending more time away from their home because they spend longer in their workplace. Discuss the advantages and disadvantages? v. 1
Employment is essential for every human being to survive in this world. These days, individuals are incurring more time away from their residence as they spend longer in their workplace. Although they are few benefits of spending time in office. The drawback for being away from home or lack of healthy meals and disconnection from families. On the one hand, There are some benefits of being away from home, Firstly, People can give more time in their office which will benefit them in their career. Staying at home does not provide vital skill to the individual. When they spend time in office they can learn and apply which shall be beneficial in shaping their career. Secondly, spending sufficient time in office will make them independent, people at home are under the guidance of family and in this atmosphere they do not offer an opportunity to present their idea as they are young in front of their elder. On the other hand, Apart from advantages, there are fewer drawback. The major disadvantage of being away from home will directly affect their health. People when they are at home they offer healthy, home cocked food and when they are away, he need to consume easy food like Hamburgers, Pizzas and sugary food. The drawback of being away from the family will have an impact in their bonding. People when they are home spend lots of time together and understand each other, when they are away from home gradually difference increases and quarrel happen frequently which has a negative impact on their relationship. This home problem will finally have psychological impact which shall ultimately affect their productivity at work place. In conclusion, Career growth and becoming self-made is the advantage of giving more time in office and they are some disadvantages. Thus, the advantages outweigh the disadvantages.
Employment is essential for every human being to survive in this world. These days, individuals are incurring more
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
time
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
away
from their residence as they spend longer in their workplace.
“Although” at the beginning of a sentence usually requires a 2nd clause. Maybe a comma, question or exclamation mark is missing, or the sentence is incomplete and should be joined with the following sentence.
Although
they are few benefits of spending
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
time
in
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
office
. The drawback for being
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
away
from home or lack of healthy meals and disconnection from families.

On the one hand, There are
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
benefits of being
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
away
from home,
Firstly
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
People
can give more
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
time
in their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
office
which will benefit them in their career. Staying at home does not provide vital
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
skill
to the individual. When they spend
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
time
in
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
office
they can learn and apply which shall be beneficial in shaping their career.
Secondly
, spending sufficient
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
time
in
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
office
will
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
make
them independent,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
at home are under the guidance of family and in this atmosphere they do not offer an opportunity to present their
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
idea
as they are young in front of their elder.

On the other hand
, Apart from advantages, there are fewer drawback. The major disadvantage of being
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
away
from home will
directly
affect their health.
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
People
when they are at home they offer healthy, home cocked food and when they are
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
away
, he need to consume easy food like Hamburgers, Pizzas and sugary food. The drawback of being
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
away
from the family will have an impact in their bonding.
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
People
when they are home
Consider using a past participle here: "spent".
spend
lots of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
time
together and understand each other, when they are
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
away
from home
gradually
difference increases and quarrel happen
frequently
which has a
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
negative
impact on their relationship. This home problem will
finally
have psychological impact which shall
ultimately
affect their productivity at work place.

In conclusion
, Career growth and becoming self-made is the advantage of giving more
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
time
in
Use a comma before 'and' if it connects two independent clauses (unless they are closely connected and short).
office and
they are
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
disadvantages.
Thus
, the advantages outweigh the disadvantages.
6Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
23Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
3Mistakes
You can never understand one language until you understand at least two.
Geoffrey Willans

IELTS essay Nowadays, people are spending more time away from their home because they spend longer in their workplace. Discuss the advantages and disadvantages? v. 1

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
304 words
6
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 5.0
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.0
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 5.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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