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Nowadays, people are spending more time away from their homes because they spend longer in their workplace. Discuss the advantages and disadvantages. v.3

Nowadays, people are spending more time away from their homes because they spend longer in their workplace. Discuss the advantages and disadvantages. v. 3
It is true that people are staying at work for long hours and this may sometimes be even longer than the time they stay at home. This might be a disadvantage for some people, especially for those who have families waiting at home, while it might be the opposite for people who live alone. This essay will try to compare the both negative and positive sides of it. To begin with, for children whose parents spend too much time at work rather than at home, it might be disappointing. To illustrate, there are many studies supporting that children should have quality time with their parents to increase their intellectual capacity in the future. Because it is suggested that the most of people’s behavior are gained from their parents. Thus, parents would need more to stay at home and support their children’s development. On the other hand, people who live alone might enjoy being at work rather than at home. As it is a well-known evolutionary fact, people tend to have social networks to protect themselves from outside danger. In modern societies, social connections are observed as a way to avoid having mental illnesses. This is a strong reason why people shouldn’t stay at home for long hours, because it may result in unwanted consequences such as boredom which may trigger depressive thoughts. Therefore, spending longer at work may minimize the detrimental effects of being alone for too long and would be helpful to interact more with others. In conclusion, the vast majority of people are working for long hours today, which causes having less time to spend at home. I believe this is sometimes an advantage for people living alone and need to socialize more whereas a disadvantage for people who need to be with their children at their homes.
It is true that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
are staying at
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
work
for
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
long
hours and this may
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
sometimes
be even longer than the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
time
they stay at home. This
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
might
be a disadvantage for
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
,
especially
for those
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
who
have families waiting at home, while it
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
might
be the opposite for
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
who
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
live
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
alone
. This essay will try to compare the both
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
negative
and
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
positive
sides of it.

To
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
begin
with, for
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
whose
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
parents
spend too much
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
time
at
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
work
rather
than at home, it
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
might
be disappointing. To illustrate, there are
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
studies supporting that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
should have quality
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
time
with their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
parents
to increase their intellectual capacity in the future.
“Because” at the beginning of a sentence usually requires a 2nd clause. Maybe a comma, question or exclamation mark is missing, or the sentence is incomplete and should be joined with the following sentence.
Because
it
is suggested
that the most of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people’s
behavior
are gained
from their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
parents
.
Thus
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
parents
would need more to stay at home and support their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children’s
development.

On the other hand
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
who
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
live
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
alone
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
might
enjoy being at
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
work
rather
than at home. As it is a well-known evolutionary fact,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
tend to have social networks to protect themselves from outside
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
danger
. In modern societies, social connections
are observed
as a way to avoid having mental illnesses. This is a strong reason why
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
shouldn’t stay at home for
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
long
hours,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
it may result in unwanted consequences such as boredom which may trigger depressive thoughts.
Therefore
, spending longer at
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
work
may minimize the detrimental effects of being
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
alone
for too
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
long
and would be helpful to interact more with others.

In conclusion
, the vast majority of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
are working for
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
long
hours
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
today
, which causes having less
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
time
to spend at home. I believe this is
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
sometimes
an advantage for
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
living
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
alone
and need to socialize more whereas a disadvantage for
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
who
need to be with their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
at their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
homes
.
9Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
43Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
2Mistakes
With languages, you are at home anywhere.
Edward De Waal

IELTS essay Nowadays, people are spending more time away from their homes because they spend longer in their workplace. Discuss the advantages and disadvantages. v. 3

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
300 words
6.5
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 6.0
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 5.5
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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