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Nowadays, more people are choosing to socialise online rather than face to face. Is this a positive or negative development? v.2

Nowadays, more people are choosing to socialise online rather than face to face. Is this a positive or negative development? v. 2
It is sometimes argued that more money should be spent on preventive measures than treatments, as they are of greater importance. However, I would argue that cure and prevention are equally important when it comes to spending funds in these areas. There are several reasons why it can be argued that government should spend money on tackling the causes of diseases. Cost-effectiveness is the key element when placing more importance on these initiatives. By allowing people to have access to these health monitoring strategies, governments can avoid the hefty priced hospitalised treatments or other extravagantly expensive medicines. Take the modified gene coding as an example, the technique of relocating genes in the DNA of human beings can help deliberately avoiding inherited lethal illnesses in newborns such as diabetes. In this way, not only the financial pressure on health care departments can be reduced, but also the painful suffering caused by these contagious sicknesses. Hence, an improved quality of life for those who take these measures is a better alternative. So, if the government prioritises preventative approaches as a mandatory element in tackling fitness problems, people would surely be leading healthy lives in a near future. I also believe that spending on treatments or medicines has of proportionately equal importance as of managing cases. Some diseases are too fatal that cannot be left without an intensive, holistic and advanced treatment. For instance, carcinogenic patients would have never been recovered with ever greater speed today, if the huge state budget were not invested to produce chemotherapy. Similarly, without enough government funds for the best possible treatments to vulnerable patients, people' life expectancy will be affected devastatingly. So both these departments should be given equal money to keep them going. In conclusion, governments have to make energy reforms properly by investing equally in the cure and prevention of epidemic vigour illnesses in order to have better outcomes from health deprived people as well as ensuring a healthy and energetic living for them.
It is
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
sometimes
argued that more money should
be spent
on preventive measures than
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
treatments
, as they are of greater importance.
However
, I would argue that cure and prevention are
equally
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
important
when it
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
comes
to spending funds in these areas.

There are several reasons why it can
be argued
that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
government
should spend money on tackling the causes of diseases. Cost-effectiveness is the key element when placing more importance on these initiatives. By allowing
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
to have access to these health monitoring strategies,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
governments
can avoid the hefty priced
Possible spelling mistake. 'hospitalised' is British English.
hospitalised
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
treatments
or other
extravagantly
expensive medicines. Take the modified gene coding as an example, the technique of relocating genes in the DNA of human beings can
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
help
deliberately
avoiding inherited lethal illnesses in newborns such as diabetes. In this way, not
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
only
the financial pressure on health care departments can be
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
reduced
,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
also
the painful suffering caused by these contagious sicknesses.
Hence
, an
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
improved
quality of life for those who take these measures is a better alternative.
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
So
, if the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
government
Possible spelling mistake. 'prioritises' is British English.
prioritises
preventative approaches as a mandatory element in tackling fitness problems,
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
would
surely
be leading healthy
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
lives
in a near future.

I
also
believe that spending on
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
treatments
or medicines has of
proportionately
equal importance as of managing cases.
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
Some
diseases are too fatal that cannot be
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
left
without an intensive, holistic and advanced
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
treatment
.
For instance
, carcinogenic patients would have never
been recovered
with ever greater speed
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
today
, if the huge state budget were not invested to produce chemotherapy.
Similarly
, without
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
enough
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
government
funds for the best possible
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
treatments
to vulnerable patients,
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
' life expectancy will be
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
affected
devastatingly
.
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
So
both these departments should be
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
given
equal money to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
keep
them going.

In conclusion
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
governments
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
have to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
make
energy reforms
properly
by investing
equally
in the cure and prevention of epidemic
Possible spelling mistake found.
vigour
illnesses in order to have better outcomes from health deprived
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
as well
as ensuring a healthy and energetic living for them.
7.5Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
7.5Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
7.5Mistakes
You can never understand one language until you understand at least two.
Geoffrey Willans

IELTS essay Nowadays, more people are choosing to socialise online rather than face to face. Is this a positive or negative development? v. 2

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
329 words
7.5
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 7.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 7.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 7.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 7.5
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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