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In many developing countries, there is an increased movement of workers from rural areas in to cities. Why do you think this happens? What problems can this cause? v.2

In many developing countries, there is an increased movement of workers from rural areas in to cities. Why do you think this happens? What problems can this cause? v. 2
Nowadays, employees are shifting from towns and villages to cities in many growing countries. I thought this movement is happening due to more development and facility, this cause some issue to others who stayed there. The main reason for this movement to the city is rural areas were not developed, less job opportunity, less facilities, less bus availability, some utilities and life styles. For instance, towns have had only 1 or 2 hospitals, school and very rare to see the college, so parents are struggling to find good options for their kids. Compare to the cities, towns has fewer employment due to less private companies and government offices, also it has some enjoyment places to spend their holidays. Another drawback is to get bus immediately, you have to wait for the bus for a long time, but in cities you don't need to wait for that long, no train facilities. Due to worker's movement into city causes less income for shops, theatres and restaurants, it creates unemployment. For many decades, people are satisfied to work in their areas and some has own business, now they sold sold their business including their place where they live. At last, the population has reduced to one third of ratio, however, some would like to stay at their places who spend their money in agriculture. Some farmers sold their farm land to industries which are destroyed by them and building their factories. To recapitulate, workers usability in villages is less than developed areas and it is hard to stay with less travel facility and hospitality. This causes less humidity and it spoils some lives who running their own shops.
Nowadays, employees are shifting from towns and villages to
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
cities
in
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
growing countries. I
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
thought
this movement is happening due to more development and facility, this cause
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
issue to others who stayed there.

The main reason for this movement to the city is rural areas were not developed,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
less
job opportunity,
Did you mean "fewer"? The noun facilities is countable.
less
facilities,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
less
bus availability,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
utilities and life styles.
For instance
, towns have had
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
only
1 or 2 hospitals, school and
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
very
rare to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
see
the college,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
so
parents are struggling to find
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
good
options for their kids. Compare to the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
cities
, towns has fewer employment due to
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
less
private
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
companies
and
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
government
offices,
also
it has
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
enjoyment places to spend their holidays. Another drawback is to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
get
bus immediately, you
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
have to
wait for the bus for a long time,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
in
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
cities
you don't need to wait for that long, no train facilities.

Due to worker's movement into city causes
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
less
income for shops,
Possible spelling mistake. 'theatres' is British English.
theatres
and restaurants, it creates unemployment. For
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
decades,
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
are satisfied
to work in their areas and
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
has
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
own
business,
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
now
they
Possible typo: you repeated a word
sold sold
their business including their place where they
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
live
. At last, the population has
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
reduced
to one third of ratio,
however
,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
would like to stay at their places who spend their money in agriculture.
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
Some
farmers sold their farm land to industries which are
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
destroyed
by them and building their factories.

To recapitulate, workers usability in villages is
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
less
than developed areas and it is
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
hard
to stay with
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
less
travel facility and hospitality. This causes
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
less
humidity and it spoils
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
lives
who running their
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
own
shops.
7.5Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
7.5Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
7.5Mistakes

IELTS essay In many developing countries, there is an increased movement of workers from rural areas in to cities. Why do you think this happens? What problems can this cause? v. 2

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
275 words
7.5
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 7.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 7.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 7.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 7.5
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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