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Nowadays many people have access to computers on a wide basis and a large number of children play computer games. What are the negative impacts of playing computer games and what can be done to minimize the bad effects. v.3

Nowadays many people have access to computers on a wide basis and a large number of children play computer games. What are the negative impacts of playing computer games and what can be done to minimize the bad effects. v. 3
At present few individuals use laptops on day to day basis, while majority of the teenagers involve themselves in computer games. The following essay will discuss about its negative effects and suggest points to diminish them. To embark with, the two major effects are less focus on studies and no participation in outdoor activies. Firstly, the interest in studies is declined as children are fond of games on these machines. Students start skipping classes and get involved in this distraction, which result in the downfall of their grades. Evidently, this trend can be observed in majority of the pupils in developed countries. Secondly, children will sit in from of the computer and will not get involved in any physical activities. Furthermore, the harmful rays which are emitted from the screen will hurt the eyes of these adolescent, and results into having medical glasses. Staying all day indoors will make them lonely and a social outcast. A research conducted in USA, shows that these numbers are as high as 40% in urban areas and 15% in the rural areas. On the other side, if the parents get involved in their offsprings daily activities these effects can be altered and benefit the child. Moreover, simple steps like assignment of gaming time and study time can motivate the student to do better in schools. Additionally, parents should take part in sports activities which would push their youngsters to join them and eventually be outdoors. Futhermore, at this young age juveniles can be educated about the harmful effects of computer games and the positives of physical activities. This education may work as the base for their future growth as an individual. For example, New Zealand's educational board have a staff member who visits schools and gives information on the importance of eductaion, this resulted in the rise of overall attendence of these schools. To conclude, with the help of parents, self realization and proper exchange of information one can reduce the harmfull effects of these machines, and guide the youth in the correct foot steps.
At present few individuals
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
use
laptops on
It appears that two hyphens are missing.
day to day
basis, while
It seems that an article is missing.
majority of
the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
teenagers
involve themselves in computer games. The following essay will
Did you mean simply "discuss its"? You do not need the word "about" here.
discuss about its
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
negative
effects and suggest points to diminish them.

To embark with, the two major effects are less focus on studies and no participation in outdoor
Possible spelling mistake found.
activies
.
Firstly
, the interest in studies
is declined
as children are fond of games on these machines. Students
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
start
skipping classes and
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
get
involved in this distraction, which result in the downfall of their grades.
Evidently
, this trend can
be observed
in
It seems that an article is missing.
majority of
the pupils in
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
developed countries
.
Secondly
, children will sit in from of the computer and will not
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
get
involved in any physical
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
activities
.
Furthermore
, the harmful rays which
are emitted
from the screen will hurt the eyes of these adolescent, and results into having medical glasses. Staying all day indoors will
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
make
them lonely and a social outcast.
Uncountable nouns are usually not used with an indefinite article. Use simply "research".
A research
conducted
A determiner is probably missing here: "in the USA".
in USA
,
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
shows
that these numbers are as high as 40% in urban areas and 15% in the rural areas.

On the other side, if the parents
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
get
involved in their
Possible spelling mistake. Did you mean "offspring", the plural form of the noun 'offspring'?
offsprings
daily
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
activities
these effects can
be altered
and benefit the child.
Moreover
, simple steps like assignment of gaming time and study time can motivate the student to do better in schools.
Additionally
, parents should
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
take part
in sports
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
activities
which would push their youngsters to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
join
them and
eventually
be outdoors.
Possible spelling mistake found.
Futhermore
, at this young age juveniles can
be educated
about the harmful effects of computer games and the positives of physical
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
activities
. This education may work as the base for their future growth as an individual.
For example
, New Zealand's educational board have a staff member who visits schools and gives information on the importance of
Possible spelling mistake found.
eductaion
, this resulted in the rise of
overall
Possible spelling mistake found.
attendence
of these schools.

To conclude
, with the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
help
of parents, self realization and proper exchange of information one can
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
reduce
the
Possible spelling mistake found.
harmfull
effects of these machines, and guide the youth in the correct foot steps.
9Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
4Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
12Mistakes
Language shapes the way we think, and determines what we can think about.
Benjamin Lee Whorf

IELTS essay Nowadays many people have access to computers on a wide basis and a large number of children play computer games. What are the negative impacts of playing computer games and what can be done to minimize the bad effects. v. 3

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
341 words
6
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 5.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 6.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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