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Nowadays many families move overseas for job opportunities Some people think that this is beneficial for the children of these families while others think children will find it difficult Discuss both view and give your own opinion v.1

Nowadays many families move overseas for job opportunities Some people think that this is beneficial for the children of these families while others think children will find it difficult 1
For some people happiness is nothing but a state of mind and a person is individually responsible for it; however, for many others happiness depends upon external factors. In my opinion, external factors play a huge role in making a person happy. Both the viewpoints are elaborated in the essay. Happiness is considered to be the sole responsibility of an individual with many. This is because, people have the perception that happiness depends on a person’s state of mind and heart and every person must have the ability to take control of one’s emotions. Moreover, many self help books, yoga and meditation institutes preach how to take control of your state of mind to maintain good mental health and peace. Happiness for them is all about inner satisfaction and through practices like meditation and yoga it can be achieved. Conversely, many individuals consider external factors extremely crucial for their bliss. That is to say, every person has some expectations or dreams that they want to fulfil, be it a good job, living with family, a house or a big car. People often feel satisfied after achieving something big or fulfilling one or the other dream and this further brings a feeling of bliss in them. Furthermore, researches and surveys have proved that even weather also has a huge impact on people’s state of mind. For example, according to the research conducted by the Times of India, Pune was on top of the list of the happiest cities of India due to its pleasant weather. In conclusion, although many people think that happiness can be solely achieved without considering other factors, it cannot be denied that a person cannot be happy if externally everything is going against his expectations
For
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
happiness
is nothing
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
a
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
state
of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
mind
and a
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
person
is
individually
responsible for it;
however
, for
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
Apostrophe might be missing. Did you mean "others'" or "other's"?
others
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
happiness
depends upon external
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
factors
. In my opinion, external
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
factors
play a huge role in making a
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
person
happy. Both the viewpoints
are elaborated
in the essay.

Happiness
is considered
to be the sole responsibility of an individual with
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
. This is
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
have the perception that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
happiness
depends on a
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
person’s
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
state
of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
mind
and heart and every
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
person
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
must
have the ability to take control of one’s emotions.
Moreover
,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
self
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
help
books, yoga and meditation institutes preach how to take control of your
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
state
of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
mind
to maintain
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
good
mental health and peace.
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
Happiness
for them is all about inner satisfaction and through practices like meditation and yoga it can
be achieved
.

Conversely
,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
individuals consider external
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
factors
extremely
crucial for their bliss.
That is
to say, every
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
person
has
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
expectations or dreams that they want to fulfil, be it a
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
good
job, living with family, a
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
house
or a
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
big
car.
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
People
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
often
feel satisfied after achieving something
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
big
or fulfilling one or the other dream and this
further
brings a feeling of bliss in them.
Furthermore
, researches and surveys have proved that even weather
also
has a huge impact on
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people’s
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
state
of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
mind
.
For example
, according to the research conducted by
If the term is a proper noun, use the suggested capitalization.
the Times of India
, Pune was on top of the list of the happiest cities of India due to its pleasant weather.

In conclusion
, although
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
think
that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
happiness
can be
solely
achieved without considering other
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
factors
, it cannot
be denied
that a
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
person
cannot be happy if
externally
everything is going against his expectations
7.5Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
7.5Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
7.5Mistakes

IELTS essay Nowadays many families move overseas for job opportunities Some people think that this is beneficial for the children of these families while others think children will find it difficult 1

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
287 words
7.5
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 7.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 7.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 7.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 7.5
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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