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Nowadays many adults have full time jobs and the proportion of their lives spent on work is very high. Some of them are under high stress and ignore their other. What are cause and effects? v.1

Nowadays many adults have full time jobs and the proportion of their lives spent on work is very high. Some of them are under high stress and ignore their other. What are cause and effects? v. 1
It is certainly true that in this modern era people do a full-hour chore and they spend their large percentage of their lives in doing jobs. A few individuals have high stress and worries on their brain and they feel reluctant to talk with others. There are some reasons for this and also impacts badly in various ways Admittedly, there are certain reasons that why some people have tensions of their mind and always ignore others. Firstly, due this continues rise of competition in work places workers likely have to work more and more and spend their whole time in offices and jobs. In other words, there is great competition among companies and all organizations want to compete each others due to which employers force employees to work as much as possible. Hence, workers become unable to take time to expend on other activities and always feel stress and tiredness. For example, mostly full-time workers in Japan have compulsory to work at least 15 hours in a day so that companies can get better results. Secondly, every single product has become expensive and people have to work around the clock in order to complete their basic needs and live suitable lifestyle and due to these needs people unlikely to take time for their family members However, this affects not only people's health, but also negatively impact on their relationship. This is because when people work for long hours without doing any other activity, then this reduces the level of physical as well as mental health of people. In detail, due to continuous spending time in the working area, people do not follow a proper diet and unfortunately face various health problem such as weakness in bones, weak eyesight and so on. Furthermore, when people spend their enough special-time, on working-places and unable making some hours for their family and friends, then it strongly-impact on people's relationship. In conclusion, there are some causes, like competition between the companies and busy lifestyle, that why people are living stressful lifestyle, but people face many difficulties related to their body and relationships with family-members
It is
certainly
true that in this modern era
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
do a full-hour
Use a comma before 'and' if it connects two independent clauses (unless they are closely connected and short).
chore and
they spend their large percentage of their
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
lives
in doing jobs. A few individuals have high
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
stress
and worries on their
Use a comma before 'and' if it connects two independent clauses (unless they are closely connected and short).
brain and
they feel reluctant to talk with others. There are
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
reasons for this and
also
impacts
badly
in various ways

Admittedly
, there are certain reasons that why
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
have tensions of their mind and always
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
ignore
others.

Firstly
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
due
this continues rise of competition in
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
work
places workers likely
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
have to
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
work
more and more and spend their whole
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
time
in offices and jobs. In
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
other
words, there is great competition among
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
companies
and all organizations want to compete each others
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
due
to which employers force employees to
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
work
as much as possible.
Hence
, workers become unable to take
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
time
to expend on
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
other
activities and always feel
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
stress
and tiredness.
For example
,
mostly
full-time workers in Japan have compulsory to
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
work
at least 15 hours in a day
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
so
that
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
companies
can
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
get
better results.
Secondly
, every single product has become expensive and
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
have to
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
work
around the clock in order to complete their basic needs and
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
live
suitable lifestyle and
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
due
to these needs
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
unlikely to take
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
time
for their family members

However
, this affects not
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
only
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
's health,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
also
negatively
impact on their relationship. This is
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
when
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
work
for long hours without doing any
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
other
activity, then this
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
reduces
the level of physical
as well
as mental health of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
. In detail,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
due
to continuous spending
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
time
in the working area,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
do not follow a proper diet and unfortunately face various health problem such as weakness in bones, weak eyesight and
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
so
on.
Furthermore
, when
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
spend their
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
enough
special-time, on working-places and unable making
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
hours for their family and friends, then it
strongly
-impact on
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
's relationship.

In conclusion
, there are
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
causes, like competition between the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
companies
and busy lifestyle, that why
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
are living stressful lifestyle,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
face
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
difficulties related to their body and relationships with family-members
16Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
27Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
2Mistakes

IELTS essay Nowadays many adults have full time jobs and the proportion of their lives spent on work is very high. Some of them are under high stress and ignore their other. What are cause and effects? v. 1

Essay
  American English
3 paragraphs
349 words
6
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 5.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 5.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 6.5
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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