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It is said that men are more privileged than women in their work places and in transport. To what extent do you agree or disagree with the statement? v.1

It is said that men are more privileged than women in their work places and in transport. with the statement? v. 1
There is an opinion that men enjoy a lot of opportunities more than women where they work and on transit. However, I strongly disagree with this viewpoint in as much as they are seen as a weaker sex and also, since pregnancy is concerned. Even though feminine gender are not as strong as the male folks, they enjoy greater privileges because they are more proactive in their work place whenever they are given a little opportunity to prove their work. This means that, they are considered first whenever an opportunity arises in a workplace. Even in transport system, people pity them more since they feel they are under pressure more than men. To illustrate, when there is a rush while commuting to work, it is common for a charitable driver to stop over to commute women than men. Clearly, women benefits more than men. Another reason is during the nine months of pregnancy. In other words, due to the humane nature of employees and drivers, they have pity on the extra human which they carry in their stomach for long and remunerate then even when they are not working after delivery. In the workplace, for example, despite the fact that men stay back to work when a woman is on maternity leave, for the fact she gave birth, she would be paid for the period she is on maternity until she resumes work. In fact women benefits more than men. In conclusion, although men work harder than women, I completely refute the idea that they enjoy more benefits than women either as an employee or when commuting to a place. Besides that, seeing female gender as weaker sex and the period of pregnancy brings sympathy resulting to more favours compared to men.
There is an opinion that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
men
enjoy
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
a lot of
opportunities more than
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
women
where they
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
work
and on transit.
However
, I
strongly
disagree with this viewpoint in as much as they are
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
seen
as a
This expression can be considered offensive.
weaker sex
and
also
, since pregnancy
is concerned
.

Even though
feminine gender are not as strong as the male folks, they enjoy greater privileges
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
they are more proactive in their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
work
place whenever they are
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
given
a
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
little
opportunity to prove their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
work
. This means that, they
are considered
first
whenever an opportunity arises in a workplace. Even in transport system,
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
pity them more since they feel they are under pressure more than
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
men
. To illustrate, when there is a rush while commuting to
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
work
, it is common for a charitable driver to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
stop
over to commute
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
women
than
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
men
.
Clearly
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
women
benefits more than
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
men
.

Another reason is during the nine months of pregnancy.
In other words
, due to the humane nature of employees and drivers, they have pity on the extra human which they carry in their stomach for long and remunerate then even when they are not working after delivery. In the workplace,
for example
, despite the fact that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
men
stay back to
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
work
when a woman is on maternity
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
leave
, for the fact she gave birth, she would
be paid
for the period she is on maternity until she resumes
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
work
.
Three successive sentences begin with the same word. Consider rewording the sentence or use a thesaurus to find a synonym.
In
fact
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
women
benefits more than
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
men
.

Three successive sentences begin with the same word. Consider rewording the sentence or use a thesaurus to find a synonym.
In
conclusion, although
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
men
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
work
harder than
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
women
, I completely refute the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
idea
that they enjoy more benefits than
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
women
either as an employee or when commuting to a place.
Besides
that, seeing female gender as
This expression can be considered offensive.
weaker sex
and the period of pregnancy brings sympathy resulting to more
Possible spelling mistake. 'favours' is British English.
favours
compared to
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
men
.
12Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
19Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
5Mistakes

IELTS essay It is said that men are more privileged than women in their work places and in transport. with the statement? v. 1

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
292 words
6
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 7.0
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 6.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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