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Nowadays families are not as close as they used to be. What do you think are the causes of this? What can be done to make families closer? v.3

Nowadays families are not as close as they used to be. What do you think are the causes of this? What can be done to make families closer? v. 3
In recent years, people often complain that family members are not as close as they were in the past. In this following essay, I will seek clarification the causes and solutions of this phenomenon. First of all, students and employees tend to live far away from their hometown since industrial companies and celebrating universities has been gathered together in certain cities near downtown areas. It is clearly seen that there are more prospect career as well as high-qualified colleges in urban cities. As the result, high school students after a great deal of effort in order to pass the final entrance exam to universities, naturally go to the big cities for continuing their study; and employees looking for a promising job resort to stay away from their families. Thus, several mechanical associations should be reallocated to rural area. This may help students and workers who come from countryside not only take part in on-top universities and get more job opportunities but also live near their family for looking after their parents. Additionally, the government should conduct a financial investigation into enhance local facilities, specifically replace old machines by new ones, build cutting-edge infrastructure supporting for working process. Besides, in the world of technology advancement, the distance between person and person may be enlarged. One can easily keep in touch with his other family members via several social networking sites such as facebook, twitter or skype and no need to meet up. This may cause over-reliance on virtual life and realistic relationship between family members is likely to get worse. Therefore, reduction dependence on online websites should be considered. Children had better take time to go to their hometown as frequent as possible. On the other hand, instead of depending too much on tech, use it appropriately; for example, children should make video calls to relatives everyday or sometimes send beloved emails to their parents. To recapitulate, I would like to assert on a point that a family plays the most essential role of ones’ life due to unconditional love and care of family members. One should do everything to have a close knit relationship with family.
In recent years,
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
often
complain that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
family
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
members
are not as close as they were in the past. In this following essay, I will seek clarification the causes and solutions of this phenomenon.

This phrase is redundant. Consider using "first".
First of all
, students and employees tend to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
live
far away from their hometown since industrial
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
companies
and celebrating universities has
been gathered
together in certain cities near downtown areas. It is
clearly
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
seen
that there are more prospect career
as well
as high-qualified colleges in urban cities. As the result, high school students after a great deal of effort in order to pass the final entrance exam to universities,
naturally
go to the
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
big
cities for continuing their study; and employees looking for a promising job resort to stay away from their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
families
.
Thus
, several mechanical associations should
be reallocated
to rural area. This may
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
help
students and workers who
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
come
from countryside not
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
only
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
take part
in on-top universities and
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
get
more job opportunities
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
also
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
live
near their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
family
for looking after their parents.
Additionally
, the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
government
should conduct a financial investigation into enhance local facilities,
specifically
replace
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
old
machines by new
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
ones
, build cutting-edge infrastructure supporting for working process.

Besides
, in the world of technology advancement, the distance between person and person may
be enlarged
. One can
easily
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
keep
in touch with his other
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
family
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
members
via several social networking sites such as
Possible spelling mistake found.
facebook
, twitter or skype and no need to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
meet
up. This may cause over-reliance on virtual life and realistic relationship between
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
family
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
members
is likely to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
get
worse.
Therefore
, reduction dependence on online websites should
be considered
. Children had better take time to go to their hometown as frequent as possible.
On the other hand
,
instead
of depending too much on tech,
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
use
it
appropriately
;
for example
, children should
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
make
video calls to relatives
'Everyday' is an adjective. Did you mean "every day"?
everyday
or
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
sometimes
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
send
beloved emails to their parents.

To recapitulate, I would like to assert on a point that a
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
family
plays the most essential role of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
ones’
life due to unconditional
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
love
and care of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
family
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
members
. One should do everything to have a
This word is normally spelled with hyphen.
close knit
relationship with
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
family
.
15Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
14Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
4Mistakes
Language shapes the way we think, and determines what we can think about.
Benjamin Lee Whorf

IELTS essay Nowadays families are not as close as they used to be. What do you think are the causes of this? What can be done to make families closer? v. 3

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
356 words
6.0
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 5.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 6.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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