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Nowadays e-money is extensively used as a payment method. Why is this? Is this a positive or negative development? v.1

Nowadays e-money is extensively used as a payment method. Why is this? Is this a positive or negative development? v. 1
The enormous development of financial technology in marketing system has taken over the conventional way of transaction to a new method called e-money. As projected, this condition occurs because of the rapid development of technology along with continual innovation requiring people to be more adaptable to this change. I second to this development regarding to easier access that e-money provides, making it more beneficial in term of transaction activities. First and foremost, globalization era has brought extensive development that people have never expected before; specifically, technology. As the world is getting modernized, research on finding more convenient ways in financial transaction is now being highly demanded by several nations. For instance, since the government has announced the use of electronic money as the substitute for notes, a great number of companies conduct the commercial activity by improving their system to provide a better service. One of the most popular methods that economic industries introduced is the use of virtual money and electronic wallet, such as OVO, Go-Pay, and Dana in Indonesia helping the society lift their obstacles in making payment. Therefore, the exposure of a new financial system which is experienced by society has tremendously changed the way they deal with the new payment method in the marketing system. In addition, the detrimental effect of financial technology development has brought positive influences to society, making them to be an efficient buyer. To illustrate this, a great number of new start-up companies using virtual account and wallet, such as Go-Jek company in Indonesia and Grab in Malaysia, has become popular and preferable since those companies implement more convenient transactions. Moreover, the new transfer method used by start-up has rapidly increased the efficiency of the buyers when they want to pay an order after buying something. If in the past the consumer put much effort to complete their payment by going to the Bank or ATM, now people only need to do it less than 10 minutes, because the payout can be done online and just requires enough balance in the virtual account used to complete it. Thus, due to the easy access people can get from financial technology such as e-money and e-wallet, people nowadays can save their time more then they used to have in the previous time. In conclusion, it seems to me that people who have experienced the advantages in doing online payment method feel that the positive development carried by the innovation in technology, has helped them to be more efficient as a buyer
The enormous
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
development
of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
financial
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
technology
in marketing system has taken over the conventional way of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
transaction
to a
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
new
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
method
called e-money. As projected, this condition occurs
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
of the rapid
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
development
of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
technology
along with continual innovation requiring
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
to be more adaptable to this
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
change
. I second to this
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
development
The phrase 'regarding to' is not correct. Use "regarding" or "regard to".
regarding to
easier access that e-money provides, making it more beneficial in term of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
transaction
activities.

First
and foremost, globalization era has brought extensive
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
development
that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
have never
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
expected
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
before
;
specifically
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
technology
. As the world is getting modernized, research on finding more convenient ways in
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
financial
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
transaction
is
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
now
being
highly
demanded by several nations.
For instance
, since the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
government
has announced the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
use
of electronic money as the substitute for notes, a great number of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
companies
conduct the commercial activity by improving their system to provide a better service. One of the most popular
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
methods
that economic industries introduced is the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
use
of virtual money and electronic wallet, such as
Possible spelling mistake found.
OVO
, Go-Pay, and Dana in Indonesia helping the society lift their obstacles in making
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
payment
.
Therefore
, the exposure of a
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
new
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
financial
system which
is experienced
by society has
tremendously
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
changed
the way they deal with the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
new
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
payment
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
method
in the marketing system.

In addition
, the detrimental effect of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
financial
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
technology
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
development
has brought
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
positive
influences to society, making them to be an efficient buyer. To illustrate this, a great number of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
new
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
start
-up
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
companies
using virtual account and wallet, such as
Possible spelling mistake found.
Go-Jek
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
company
in Indonesia and Grab in Malaysia, has become popular and preferable since those
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
companies
implement more convenient
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
transactions
.
Moreover
, the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
new
transfer
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
method
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
used
by
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
start
-up has
rapidly
increased the efficiency of the buyers when they want to pay an order after buying something. If in the past the consumer put much effort to complete their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
payment
by going to the Bank or ATM,
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
now
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
only
need to do it less than 10 minutes,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
the payout can
be done
online and
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
just
requires
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
enough
balance in the virtual account
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
used
to complete it.
Thus
, due to the easy access
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
can
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
get
from
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
financial
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
technology
such as e-money and e-wallet,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
nowadays can save their time more
Comparison requires "than", not 'then' nor 'as'.
then
they
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
used
to have in the previous time.

In conclusion
, it seems to me that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
who have experienced the advantages in doing online
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
payment
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
method
feel that the
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
positive
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
development
carried by the innovation in
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
technology
, has
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
helped
them to be more efficient as a buyer
8Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
45Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
4Mistakes

IELTS essay Nowadays e-money is extensively used as a payment method. Why is this? Is this a positive or negative development? v. 1

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
416 words
6.5
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 5.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.0
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 6.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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