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Nowadays children watch too much TV Why is this happening and what can be done to prevent it v.2

Nowadays children watch too much TV Why is this happening and what can be done to prevent it v. 2
Nowadays, watching TV among children change to the most popular entertainments. There are variety reasons for it, and also several solution for reducing this attitude. This essay intend to survey both above issues. About the reasons of watching TV via children researcher mentioned to two of the most important cases. First of all, it is the most attractive visual medium compared to other media. For example, the programs like dance show, fun series, educational and kid programs persuade children which spend a lot of their time in front of screen whilst, other media have not such set together. Secondly, accessing to the TV is very easier than any other things. These days, there is a TV set in each home and therefore, children without any bother can spend leisure time with it just by tapping a key. Consequently, they do not any effort for finding new activities in order to the replace with it. However, there are some solution for reducing child interested in watching TV. At first, the parents should educated to the children which excess of watching TV will have the detrimental effects on their health specially their sight. For instance, recent research shows that, one of the most important reasons of weak sighting is excessive watching on the TV screen. Furthermore, the government also, should provide recreational centers like amusement parks and sport stadiums for children that they can spend leisure time in these places rather than watching TV screen. In summarize, we should accept this fact which, in spite of the whole negative affects, children spend more time of their leisure in front of screen nonetheless, both parent and government can do actions to prevent it.
Nowadays, watching TV among
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
change
to the most popular entertainments. There are variety reasons for it, and
also
Possible agreement error. The noun solution seems to be countable; consider using: "several solutions".
several solution
for reducing this attitude.
The verb 'intend' is plural. Did you mean: "This essay intends"? Did you use a verb instead of a noun?
This essay intend
to survey both above issues.

About the reasons of watching TV via
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
researcher mentioned to two of the most
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
important
cases.
This phrase is redundant. Consider using "first".
First of all
, it is the most attractive visual medium compared to other media.
For example
, the programs like dance
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
show
, fun series, educational and kid programs persuade
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
which
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
spend
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
a lot of
their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
time
in front of screen whilst, other media have not such set together.
Secondly
, accessing to the TV is
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
very
easier than any other things. These days, there is a TV set in each home and
therefore
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
without any bother can
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
spend
leisure
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
time
with it
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
just
by tapping a key.
Consequently
, they do not any effort for finding new activities in order to the
The word 'replace' is a verb. Did you mean the noun "replacement"?
replace
with it.

However
, there are
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
solution for reducing child interested in watching TV. At
first
, the parents should
The verb 'should' requires the base form of the verb: "educate"
educated
to the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
which excess of watching TV will have the detrimental effects on their health
specially
their sight.
For instance
, recent research
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
shows
that, one of the most
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
important
reasons of weak sighting is excessive watching on the TV screen.
Furthermore
, the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
government
also
, should provide recreational centers like amusement parks and sport stadiums for
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
that they can
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
spend
leisure
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
time
in these places
rather
than watching TV screen.

In summarize, we should accept this fact which,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
in spite of
the whole
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
negative
affects,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
spend
more
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
time
of their leisure in front of screen nonetheless, both parent and
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
government
can do actions to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
prevent
it.
13Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
15Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
5Mistakes

IELTS essay Nowadays children watch too much TV Why is this happening and what can be done to prevent it v. 2

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
280 words
6.0
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 5.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.0
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 6.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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