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Nowadays children watch lot of TV and play video games. However, some people think that these activities are not good for a child’s mental health. To what extent do you agree or disagree? v.2

Nowadays children watch lot of TV and play video games. However, some people think that these activities are not good for a child’s mental health. v. 2
It is indeed that the technology has a predominant influence on the society, especially the young generation. Some intellectuals opine that the exorbitant exploitation of television and computer game by the adolescents might sabotage their psychological fitness. If asked, I agree the above notion of a large instant and my supporting arguments are given further. To begin with, the most detrimental effect of the above notion is that the children become more depressed and violent due to the broadcast of programs related to crime and glamour. Such practices are influencing the youth to earn a fortune overnight with the help of offensive activities. Moreover, many fighting games create virtual tasks for the pupils to compete and win the game. If they cannot complete such task; they tend to be in a depression which is very worrying thing for their mental health. For instance, recently, a child had committed suicide to compete on task of the game called blue shark. Thus, inappropriate contents of TV and games push the teenagers towards the saviour trouble. Furthermore, these offensive games and programs on the television make them short tempered and less socialise. Hence, the emotional health of these pupils would degrade. The addiction of games and TV also make the lifestyle of the children more sedentary; less physical activity might obstruct their all-round development. For example, a survey conducted on the pupils under 16 years in America revealed that two third of the video game addictive students are suffering from the obesity. Therefore, the degradation in emotional and physical health integrated with their mental health and brings disaster in future. To conclude, if the technology is not used wisely, it may act as a demon. The youngsters are not aware enough about the utilization of technology such as television and games, which is dangerous for their psyche. The parents and teachers should guide them to avoid such addiction.
It is
indeed
that the technology has a predominant influence on the society,
especially
the young generation.
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
Some
intellectuals opine that the exorbitant exploitation of television and computer game by the adolescents might sabotage their psychological fitness. If asked, I
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
agree
the above notion of a large instant and my supporting arguments are
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
given
further
.

To
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
begin
with, the most detrimental effect of the above notion is that the children become more depressed and violent due to the broadcast of programs related to crime and glamour. Such practices are influencing the youth to earn a fortune overnight with the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
help
of offensive activities.
Moreover
,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
fighting
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
games
create virtual tasks for the pupils to compete and win the game. If they cannot complete such task; they tend to be in a depression which is
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
very
worrying thing for their mental
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
health
.
For instance
, recently, a child had committed suicide to compete on task of the game called blue shark.
Thus
, inappropriate contents of TV and
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
games
push the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
teenagers
towards the
Possible spelling mistake found.
saviour
trouble.

Furthermore
, these offensive
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
games
and programs on the television
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
make
them short tempered and less
Possible spelling mistake. 'socialise' is British English.
socialise
.
Hence
, the emotional
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
health
of these pupils would degrade. The addiction of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
games
and TV
also
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
make
the lifestyle of the children more sedentary; less physical activity might obstruct their all-round development.
For example
, a survey conducted on the pupils under 16 years in America revealed that two third of the video game addictive students are suffering from the obesity.
Therefore
, the degradation in emotional and physical
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
health
integrated with their mental
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
health
and brings disaster
Did you mean: "in the future"?
in future
.

To conclude
, if the technology is not
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
used
wisely
, it may act as a demon. The youngsters are not aware
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
enough
about the utilization of technology such as television and
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
games
, which is
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
dangerous
for their psyche. The parents and teachers should guide them to avoid such addiction.
8.5Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
8.5Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
8.5Mistakes
If we spoke a different language, we would perceive a somewhat different world.
Ludwig Wittgenstein

IELTS essay Nowadays children watch lot of TV and play video games. However, some people think that these activities are not good for a child’s mental health. v. 2

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
315 words
8.5
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 8.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 8.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 8.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 8.5
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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