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Nowadays children watch a lot of Tv and play video games. however some people think that these activities are not good for a child's mental health. what extent do you agree or disagree v.2

Nowadays children watch a lot of Tv and play video games. however some people think that these activities are not good for a child's mental health. what extent v. 2
At present children are spending a lot of time watching television and playing video games. Some individuals realize that these kinds of activities are not suitable for a child's mental health. Similarly, I agree with this statement, and in this essay, I will support my opinion with solid examples. First of all, the major disadvantage is establishing an unsocial mentality because of television broadcasts several programs which increase addiction for doing such things as misbehaviour, unconsciousness, crime. Adding that when kiddies are enjoying tv for a long time, they will disconnect with their parents, and computer games also harm their brain. For example, one of my friends who faces this problem when he was a child and then his family members consult with a psychologist for his treatment. Besides, the health effect is one more negative issue that happens by using a computer for gaming and watching television unlimited. When a kid watches the program continuously that time, their eyes absorb toxic radiations for lacking nutrition. Suppose, A child plays an online game regularly at that time; he will not consume his wine on time. As a result, that kid will face so many physical problems. On the other hand, a minority of people imagine children achieve knowledge from tv and video games. In my perception, kiddies are wasting their valuable time rather than gaining information. In conclusion, unsocial mentality and health damage are severe problems which are rising by watching tv and playing computer games. I believe that using a lot of time for gaming and enjoying television much is dangerous for a child; however, it would be considered if those activities take less time.
At present children are spending
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
a lot of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
time
watching
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
television
and playing video
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
games
.
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
Some
individuals realize that these kinds of activities are not suitable for a child's mental health.
Similarly
, I
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
agree
with this statement, and in this essay, I will support my opinion with solid examples.

This phrase is redundant. Consider using "first".
First of all
, the major disadvantage is establishing an unsocial mentality
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
television
broadcasts several programs which increase addiction for doing such things as
Possible spelling mistake. 'misbehaviour' is British English.
misbehaviour
, unconsciousness, crime. Adding that when kiddies are enjoying
Possible spelling mistake found.
tv
for a long
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
time
, they will disconnect with their parents, and computer
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
games
also
harm their brain.
For example
, one of my friends who
Did you mean "face"? Alternatively, check whether the singular of 'friends' should be used.
faces
this problem when he was a child and then his family members consult with a psychologist for his treatment.

Besides
, the health effect is one more
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
negative
issue that happens by using a computer for gaming and watching
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
television
unlimited. When a kid
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
watches
the program
continuously
that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
time
, their eyes absorb toxic radiations for lacking nutrition. Suppose, A child plays an online game
regularly
at that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
time
; he will not consume his wine on
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
time
.
As a result
, that kid will face
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
so
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
physical problems.

On the other hand
, a minority of
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
imagine children achieve knowledge from
Possible spelling mistake found.
tv
and video
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
games
. In my perception, kiddies are wasting their valuable
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
time
rather
than gaining information.

In conclusion
, unsocial mentality and health damage are severe problems which are rising by watching
Possible spelling mistake found.
tv
and playing computer
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
games
. I believe that using
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
a lot of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
time
for gaming and enjoying
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
television
much is
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
dangerous
for a child;
however
, it would
be considered
if those activities take less
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
time
.
10Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
16Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
6Mistakes

IELTS essay Nowadays children watch a lot of Tv and play video games. however some people think that these activities are not good for a child's mental health. what extent v. 2

Essay
  American English
5 paragraphs
276 words
6.5
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 7.0
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.0
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 6.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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