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Nowadays children prefer electronic games to other games and toys? Why is it happening? Is it a positive or negative development? v.3

Nowadays children prefer electronic games to other games and toys? Why is it happening? Is it a positive or negative development? v. 3
Over the past few decades, there is a significant change in the recreational activities of children. Owing to the interesting features and varieties, children choose electronic gaming over physical sports and toys. Although this trend is more preferable, in my opinion, it is a negative development as it affects the juveniles' health and makes them socially inactive. To embark on, the crucial reason for the computer and video games as the first preference of today's generation is its attractiveness. This is because these games offer the remarkable graphical interface with illuminating images of cars, soldiers, fighters and players which attracts the interest of children towards this technology. Another factor is the availability of ample of distinct varieties of gaming resources. For instance, a single keyboard video game disk contains nearly 1200 games, thus providing a plethora of options for the young ones to choose to game according to their interest. In contrast, if children opt for toys or other sports, they find very few options which cause their disinterest in these activities. Despite various impressive graphic attributes and numerous types, in my perspective, the inclination of the youngsters to electronic gaming is not a positive trend. Primarily, the over-use of these technical gadgets is egregious for the physical health of children. The reason for this is playing over a computer or mobile involves sitting for long hours, which causes inactiveness of the body, consequently, this leads to various health issues such as obesity and muscular strain. Moreover, continuously staring at the screens can put stress to eyes, thereby affecting vision power. Secondly, excessive usage of personal gadgets leads to the isolation of the child from their parents and friends, as a result, they get detached from social life. To illustrate, according to a recent study by 'The Hindu', social activeness of juveniles in India has significantly decreased in the past ten years due to their indulgence in indoor gaming activities. In conclusion, the factors for the juveniles favouring technical games in comparison to other games are the appealing interface and diversified resources. According to me, this is not a beneficial trend as it can isolate a child from society and make them unhealthy.
Over the past few decades, there is a significant
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
change
in the recreational activities of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
. Owing to the interesting features and varieties,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
choose electronic
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
gaming
over physical sports and toys. Although this trend is more preferable, in my opinion, it is a
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
negative
development as it affects the juveniles' health and
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
makes
them
socially
inactive.

To embark on, the crucial reason for the computer and video
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
games
as the
first
preference of
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
today
's generation is its attractiveness. This is
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
these
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
games
offer the remarkable graphical interface with illuminating images of cars, soldiers, fighters and players which attracts the interest of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
towards this technology. Another factor is the availability of ample of distinct varieties of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
gaming
resources.
For instance
, a single keyboard video game disk contains
nearly
1200
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
games
,
thus
providing a plethora of options for the young ones to choose to game according to their interest.
In contrast
, if
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
opt for toys or other sports, they find
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
very
few options which cause their disinterest in these activities.

Despite various impressive graphic attributes and numerous types, in my perspective, the inclination of the youngsters to electronic
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
gaming
is not a
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
positive
trend.
Primarily
, the over-
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
use
of these technical gadgets is egregious for the physical health of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
.
The reason for this is
playing over a computer or mobile involves sitting for long hours, which causes
Possible spelling mistake found.
inactiveness
of the body,
consequently
, this leads to various health issues such as obesity and muscular strain.
Moreover
,
continuously
staring at the screens can put
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
stress
to eyes, thereby affecting vision power.
Secondly
, excessive usage of personal gadgets leads to the isolation of the child from their parents and friends,
as a result
, they
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
get
detached from social life. To illustrate, according to a recent study by 'The Hindu', social activeness of juveniles in India has
significantly
decreased in the past ten years due to their indulgence in indoor
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
gaming
activities.

In conclusion
, the factors for the juveniles
Possible spelling mistake. 'favouring' is British English.
favouring
technical
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
games
in comparison
to other
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
games
are the appealing interface and diversified resources.
This phrase can sound awkward in English. Consider using "in my opinion" or "I think".
According to me
, this is not a beneficial trend as it can isolate a child from society and
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
make
them unhealthy.
8Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
8Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
8Mistakes
Language shapes the way we think, and determines what we can think about.
Benjamin Lee Whorf

IELTS essay Nowadays children prefer electronic games to other games and toys? Why is it happening? Is it a positive or negative development? v. 3

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
363 words
8
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 8.0
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 8.0
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 8.0
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 8.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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