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Nowadays celebrities earn more money than politicians What are the reasons for this Is it a positive or negative development v.2

Nowadays celebrities earn more money than politicians What are the reasons for this Is it a positive or negative development v. 2
These days, luminaries are more profitable in comparison with political representatives than ever before because of some reason. While some people may assume such a trend negative, I suppose it would be a desirable change. There are several reasons why luminaries make better money compared to political people. The biggest one among them is because today not a few people in the world are living in a capitalistic economy, where the more productive you are, the more rewarded you should be. In this regard, it is evident that the former is more rewarding than the latter since they contribute sales of any products or services by playing the role of advertisers in all kinds of media for their sponsors’ profit, for instance. another major reason for this is the growing global concern over irrationally high remuneration for lawmakers, which can easily lead to public discontent, or worse, corruption(26). In response to such criticism, the reformation of the remuneration system for legislators is recently underway in some governments around the world, generally resulting in a downward trend of the amount on average. Opinions on this development may vary, but I personally believe that it would be a preferable development in general as stated below. First of all, as I mentioned above, it is quite natural and rational that, in today’s world where capitalism is hegemonic, someone making values and contributing the market should be entitled to be financially rewarded. More specifically, if the people in the private sector like celebrities would be paid less than the ones in the public sector like politicians in spite of their productivity, this would demoralize them, not only causing economic stagnation but also losing social vitality as a whole. For another thing, if we admit the multi-million-dollar paycheques to politicians, it will definitely add burdens on our national finance. this is especially true in today’s world, where the numbers of the population are gradually decreasing, and in turn, so are the amounts of tax revenues. In fact, some of the local parliaments in Japan, for example, have decided that their members are completely voluntary, receiving no reward. In conclusion, I believe this development, deriving from a couple of reasons mentioned above, would be acceptable when considering our economic regime and financial situation.
These days, luminaries are more profitable
in comparison
with political representatives than ever
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
before
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
of
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
reason
. While
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
may assume such a trend
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
negative
, I suppose it would be a desirable
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
change
.

There are several
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
reasons
why luminaries
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
make
better money compared to political
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
. The biggest one among them is
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
today
not a few
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
in the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
world
are living in a capitalistic economy, where the more productive you are, the more rewarded you should be. In this regard, it is evident that the former is more rewarding than the latter since they contribute sales of any products or services by playing the role of advertisers in all kinds of media for their sponsors’ profit,
for instance
.
This sentence does not start with an uppercase letter
another
major
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
reason
for this is the growing global concern over
irrationally
high remuneration for lawmakers, which can
easily
lead to public discontent, or worse, corruption(26). In response to such criticism, the reformation of the remuneration system for legislators is recently underway in
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
governments
around the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
world
,
generally
resulting in a downward trend of the amount on average.

Opinions on this development may vary,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
I
personally
believe that it would be a preferable development
in general
as stated below.
This phrase is redundant. Consider using "first".
First of all
, as I mentioned above, it is quite natural and rational that, in
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
today
’s
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
world
where capitalism is hegemonic, someone
The pronoun 'someone' is usually used with a third-person or a past tense verb: "makes", "made".
making
values and contributing the market should
be entitled
to be
financially
rewarded. More
specifically
, if the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
in the private sector like celebrities would
be paid
less than the ones in the public sector like politicians
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
in spite of
their productivity, this would demoralize them, not
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
only
causing economic stagnation
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
also
losing social vitality as a whole. For another thing, if we admit the multi-million-dollar
Possible spelling mistake found.
paycheques
to politicians, it will definitely
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
add
burdens on our national finance.
This sentence does not start with an uppercase letter
this
is
especially
true in
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
today
’s
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
world
, where the numbers of the population are
gradually
decreasing, and in turn,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
so
are the amounts of tax revenues. In fact,
If the text is a generality, 'of the' is not necessary. Did you mean "some"?
some of the
local parliaments in Japan,
for example
, have decided that their members are completely voluntary, receiving no reward.

In conclusion
, I believe this development, deriving from a couple of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
reasons
mentioned above, would be acceptable when considering our economic regime and financial situation.
11Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
12Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
6Mistakes
Learning another language is not only learning different words for the same things, but learning another way to think about things.
Flora Lewis

IELTS essay Nowadays celebrities earn more money than politicians What are the reasons for this Is it a positive or negative development v. 2

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
377 words
6.0
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 6.0
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 6.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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