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Nowadays celebrities earn more money than politicians What are the reasons for this Is it a positive or negative development v.1

Nowadays celebrities earn more money than politicians What are the reasons for this Is it a positive or negative development v. 1
It is a common belief that the best way to motivate the employees is giving out the salary according to their performances. Some say pursuing money is not an ultimate goal of one’s life. However, I firmly believe compensation by one’s performance is the best methods to generate more productivity. First of all, money is the one of the essential parts in human’s life. A majority of people actually endure their tired and boring work time because of the wages they can get afterward. Like this, salary is surely a thing to consider when it comes to work when people decides their workplace. As the paying by the one’s record is the most effective methods, nowadays numerous companies apply this system to encourage their employees, hence it proves that it is the most effective method. Furthermore, it is fair for workers being evaluated and compensated. In the workplace, unfortunately, not all the workers are trying their best. To be more equitable, the person who works hard and generate profits than others should be rewarded. If all the employees are  payed same, they will have no reason for trying their best, because they will be payed same as those who just sit on the chair meaningless. To sum up, there are some ways to encourage people to work harder. However, I believe the method such as paying based on one’s performance creates most effective results among workers. This is because it is human instinct to pursuing money and also it is fair for employees.
It is a common belief that the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
best
way to motivate the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
employees
is giving out the salary according to their performances.
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
Some
say pursuing money is not an ultimate goal of one’s life.
However
, I
firmly
believe compensation by one’s performance is the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
best
methods to generate more productivity.

This phrase is redundant. Consider using "first".
First of all
, money is the one of the essential parts in human’s life. A majority of
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
actually endure their tired and boring
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
work
time
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
of the wages they can
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
get
afterward. Like this, salary is
surely
a thing to consider when it
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
comes
to
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
work
when
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
If 'people' is plural here, don't use the third-person singular verb.
decides
their workplace. As the paying by the one’s record is the most effective methods, nowadays numerous
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
companies
apply this system to encourage their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
employees
,
hence
it proves that it is the most effective method.

Furthermore
, it is
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
fair
for workers
being evaluated
and compensated. In the workplace, unfortunately, not all the workers are trying their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
best
. To be more equitable, the person who works
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
hard
and generate profits than others should
be rewarded
. If all the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
employees
are
Possible typo: you repeated a whitespace
 
Only in a nautical context 'payed' is an acceptable past tense form of 'pay'. Please check!
payed
same, they will have no reason for trying their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
best
,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
they will be
Only in a nautical context 'payed' is an acceptable past tense form of 'pay'. Please check!
payed
same as those who
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
just
sit on the chair meaningless.

To sum up, there are
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
ways to encourage
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
to
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
work
harder.
However
, I believe the method such as paying based on one’s performance creates most effective results among workers. This is
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
it is human instinct to pursuing money and
also
it is
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
fair
for
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
employees
.
7Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
7Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
7Mistakes

IELTS essay Nowadays celebrities earn more money than politicians What are the reasons for this Is it a positive or negative development v. 1

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
253 words
7
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 7.0
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 7.0
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 7.0
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 7.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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