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Nowadays, celebrities earn more money than politicians. What are the reasons of this? Is it a positive or negative development? v.7

Nowadays, celebrities earn more money than politicians. What are the reasons of this? Is it a positive or negative development? v. 7
These days, famous artists make more revenue compare to political personas. This tendency due to the simple reason where most people prefer to watch and stay up to date with more of an entertainment content rather than political news. Such interest in celebs over politics is a normal choice and can be treated positively. In the age of internet, celebrities such as actors, singers and entrepreneurs receive an immense quantity of attention from all around the world. Platforms for gathering fans can be found on YouTube where income can be raised. For instance, so-called subscribed fans, by commenting and watching videos of celebrity lifestyle put the money into their pockets faster than politicians make decisions. The social networks such as Facebook and Twitter used by politicians, however, these are not as profitable as if they were using a YouTube. Despite this, even if they had a channel on this website, politicians are conservative and tend to be less famous among young adults aged from 16-45. This tendency to favour celebrities is positive among that range. Celebrities tend to be more artistic and compassionate, with this in mind, they do charity on a frequent basis. This is because it is easier for them to raise capital and invest. Governmental jobs are monitored in terms of cash flows, and pay checks are not as easy to earn as for a single concert of a talented singer on an open stadium with a million people in there. Thus, celebs' one third earnings can go into funds that support people who are in need. Politicians would transfer their money into support of political parties or organizations. However, they can also promote charity and transfer some amount of their budget, but not as directly and generously as a celebrity would do. To conclude, in modern day information technology liberates the earned capital of talented individuals steadily compared to politicians. Most viewers favour talent over debate. Such tendency elevates income of celebrities where their artistic empathy lights up the hearts.
These days,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
famous
artists
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
make
more revenue compare to political personas. This tendency due to the simple reason where most
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
prefer to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
watch
and stay up to date with more of an entertainment content
rather
than political news. Such interest in celebs over politics is a normal choice and can
be treated
positively
.

In the age of internet,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
celebrities
such as actors, singers and entrepreneurs receive an immense quantity of attention from all around the world. Platforms for gathering fans can
be found
on YouTube where income can
be raised
.
For instance
,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
so
-called subscribed fans, by commenting and watching videos of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
celebrity
lifestyle put the money into their pockets faster than
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
politicians
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
make
decisions. The social networks such as Facebook and Twitter
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
used
by
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
politicians
,
however
, these are not as profitable as if they were using a YouTube. Despite this, even if they had a channel on this website,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
politicians
are conservative and tend to be less
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
famous
among young adults aged from 16-45. This tendency to
Possible spelling mistake. 'favour' is British English.
favour
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
celebrities
is
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
positive
among that range.

Celebrities tend to be more artistic and compassionate, with this in mind, they do charity on a frequent basis. This is
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
it is easier for them to raise capital and invest. Governmental jobs
are monitored
in terms of cash flows, and pay
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
checks
are not as easy to earn as for a single concert of a talented singer on an open stadium with a million
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
in there.
Thus
, celebs' one third earnings can go into funds that support
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
who are in need.
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
Politicians
would transfer their money into support of political parties or organizations.
However
, they can
also
promote charity and transfer
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
amount of their budget,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
not as
directly
and
generously
as a
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
celebrity
would do.

To conclude
, in modern day information technology liberates the earned capital of talented individuals
steadily
compared to
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
politicians
. Most viewers
Possible spelling mistake. 'favour' is British English.
favour
talent over debate. Such tendency elevates income of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
celebrities
where their artistic empathy lights up the hearts.
8.5Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
8.5Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
8.5Mistakes
He who knows no foreign languages know nothing of his own.
Johann Wolfgang von Goethe

IELTS essay Nowadays, celebrities earn more money than politicians. What are the reasons of this? Is it a positive or negative development? v. 7

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
334 words
8.5
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 8.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 8.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 8.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 8.5
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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