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Nowadays celebrities are more famous for their glamour and wealth than for their achievements, and this sets a bad example to young people. To what extent do you agree or disagree with this statement? v.8

Nowadays celebrities are more famous for their glamour and wealth than for their achievements, and this sets a bad example to young people. with this statement? v. 8
These days, famous people are known for their outer appearance and money they possess than their achievements. This results in setting a detrimental example for young individuals. I completely agree with this view, for several reasons. Firstly, young people who think about the glamour and money celebrities possess, is detrimental for their future prospect. Youngsters only gives focus to the status, the known people possess, without thinking much about the struggles they did, in order to achieve such status. This, in turn, makes them to link success to the outer appearance and money, and avoid to opt for hard work in life. In other words, the lack of identifying struggles and achievements of famous people, young individuals become demotivated and stop struggle. This leads to the failure in their future life. A recent report by the Michigan University, for instance, showed that younger people who are prone to the lifestyle and wealth information’s of the Hollywood Stars, are less likely to opt for hard work and become failed in life. Secondly, youngsters become materialistic by acquiring information about the wealth and appearance of celebrities. This is because they are inexperienced and absorb things easily in minds, without pondering about its background. That is to say, by seeing and reading about the life and stories of famous individual’s glamorous and wealthy lifestyle, young people become stick to achieve such luxurious status. This, in turn, instills in them unemotional and desensitized nature, regarding other people, and merely trying to accomplish materialistic things such as wealth and beauty. Research by the International Management of Human Sciences, for example, conducted a study that young individuals acquired materialistic approaches regarding other aspects of life, when opt for seeing the high statuses of other people. In conclusion, I agree that only portraying the wealth and beauty of famous individuals and hiding their accomplishments tend to become a damaging role model for youngsters, as they then avoid hard work and are unable to become successful in future, as well as become materialistic.
These days,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
famous
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
are known
for their outer appearance and money they possess than their achievements. This results in setting a detrimental example for
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
young
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
individuals
. I completely
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
agree
with this view, for several reasons.

Firstly
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
young
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
who
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
think
about the glamour and money celebrities possess, is detrimental for their future prospect. Youngsters
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
only
gives focus to the status, the known
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
possess, without thinking much about the struggles they did, in order to achieve such status. This, in turn,
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
makes
them to link success to the outer appearance and money, and
The verb 'avoid' is used with the gerund form: "avoid opting".
avoid to opt
for
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
hard
work in
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
life
. In
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
other
words, the lack of identifying struggles and achievements of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
famous
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
young
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
individuals
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
become
demotivated and
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
stop
struggle. This leads to the failure in their future
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
life
. A recent report by the Michigan University,
for instance
,
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
showed
that younger
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
who are prone to the lifestyle and
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
wealth
information’s of the Hollywood Stars, are less likely to opt for
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
hard
work and
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
become
failed in life.

Secondly
, youngsters
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
become
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
materialistic
by acquiring information about the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
wealth
and appearance of celebrities. This is
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
they
are inexperienced
and absorb things
easily
in minds, without pondering about its background.
That is
to say, by seeing and reading about the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
life
and stories of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
famous
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
individual’s
glamorous and wealthy lifestyle,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
young
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
become
stick to achieve such luxurious status. This, in turn, instills in them unemotional and desensitized nature, regarding
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
other
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
, and
merely
trying to accomplish
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
materialistic
things such as
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
wealth
and beauty. Research by the International Management of Human Sciences,
for example
, conducted a study that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
young
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
individuals
acquired
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
materialistic
approaches regarding
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
other
aspects of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
life
, when opt for seeing the high statuses of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
other
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
.

In conclusion
, I
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
agree
that
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
only
portraying the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
wealth
and beauty of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
famous
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
individuals
and hiding their accomplishments tend to
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
become
a damaging role model for youngsters, as they then avoid
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
hard
work and are unable to
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
become
successful
Did you mean: "in the future"?
in future
,
as well
as
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
become
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
materialistic
.
12Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
44Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
2Mistakes

IELTS essay Nowadays celebrities are more famous for their glamour and wealth than for their achievements, and this sets a bad example to young people. with this statement? v. 8

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
335 words
6.5
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 6.0
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 6.5
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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