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Nowadays celebrities are more famous for their glamour and wealth than for their achievements, and this sets a bad example to young people. To what extent do you agree or disagree with this statement? v.13

Nowadays celebrities are more famous for their glamour and wealth than for their achievements, and this sets a bad example to young people. with this statement? v. 13
In this modern generation, many people not only seeking for glamour and wealth, but they also concern their achievements too. Achievement is the only evidence that can prove the person has succeeded in one field. It is glad to say that this world still has some famous celebrities struggle for their achievement and giving a positive image to the young people. Hence, I disagree with the statement as independence young people will not depend on the awful characteristics of celebrities, instead they will find the good things and learn it. Also, the great effort of celebrities will inspire them to face difficulty in the future. Firstly, a mature young people will be following the famous celebrities that act as a positive role model. Some celebrities are hard working and giving their great efforts to their works are witnessed by everybody include young people. This has influenced the young people who treat them as their idol to take effort in achieving their goals too. For example, a famous novelist who is famous in the world now, she also struggles to become successful in her life. Before her success, she needs to take care her baby that leads her could not afford a computer or even the expense of photocopying novel. Thus, she manually typed out the novel and send to publishers. Although it has been rejected many times, but she finally found a publisher that giving her the second chance (Scottberg, E. ). Therefore, one’s achievements are not always what you see as it’s coming from the blood, tears and sweat.
In this modern generation,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
not
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
only
seeking for glamour and wealth,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
they
also
concern their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
achievements
too.
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
Achievement
is the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
only
evidence that can prove the person has succeeded in one field. It is glad to say that this world
still
has
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
famous
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
celebrities
struggle for their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
achievement
and giving a
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
positive
image to the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
young
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
.
Hence
, I disagree with the statement as independence
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
young
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
will not depend on the awful characteristics of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
celebrities
,
instead
they will find the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
good
things and learn it.
Also
, the great effort of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
celebrities
will inspire them to face difficulty in the future.

Firstly
, a mature
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
young
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
will be following the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
famous
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
celebrities
that act as a
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
positive
role model.
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
Some
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
celebrities
are
This expression is normally spelled as one or with hyphen.
hard working
and giving their great efforts to their works
are witnessed
by everybody
The pronoun 'everybody' is usually used with a third-person or a past tense verb: "includes", "included".
include
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
young
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
. This has influenced the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
young
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
who treat them as their idol to take effort in achieving their goals too.
For example
, a
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
famous
novelist who is
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
famous
in the world
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
now
, she
also
struggles to become successful in her life.
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
Before
her success, she needs to take care her baby that leads her could not afford a computer or even the expense of photocopying novel.
Thus
, she
manually
typed out the novel and
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
send
to publishers. Although it has
been rejected
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
times,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
she
finally
found a publisher that giving her the second chance (
Possible spelling mistake found.
Scottberg
, E.
Don't put a space before the closing parenthesis
)
.
Therefore
, one’s
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
achievements
are not always what you
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
see
as it’s coming from the blood, tears and sweat.
13Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
24Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
6Mistakes
Language comes first. It’s not that language grows out of consciousness, if you haven’t got language, you can’t be conscious.
Alan Moore

IELTS essay Nowadays celebrities are more famous for their glamour and wealth than for their achievements, and this sets a bad example to young people. with this statement? v. 13

Essay
  American English
2 paragraphs
260 words
6.5
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 5.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 5.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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