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Computers becoming an essential part of school lessons. Discuss the advantages and disadvantages and give your opinion. v.1

Computers becoming an essential part of school lessons. Discuss the advantages and disadvantages and give your opinion. v. 1
The internet has changed the method of information is publicized and used. However, it has produced negative effects which it was not available in the past. Nowadays, we live in a revolution technology. Whereas network has been expanded everywhere in the world. For instance, in correspondence, emails, we mostly receive a lot of unwanted and wanted emails. In particular, if someone waits for an email which it is very important to him, he will be judged to read all emails to avoid missing one important message that dropped in one's email box. Furthermore, there is another problem, it could affect on our children. Additionally, some people could encounter fraud by internet online shop. As a result, some customers would reveal their secret number's credit card for buying their stuff. So frauds comes out from fake online webs, which it is unsecured. However, there are some solution may be provided while using local area network. Firstly, with regards to porno graphics, when parents use the net at home, they block immoral websites by changing system setting networks. Secondly, protecting banks from getting hacked, bankers should program their system by downloading the proficient system software. In addition, they can include such modernized code numbers, which it may help to save them from loss. Finally, online buyers should do double check in online website while doing their shopping. To illustrate, at the top of the page, where you can find a sign that it shows this web which you chose, it is safe for buying. I suggest if someone needs to buy online, it is much better to go shopping by yourself. To sum up, the internet is useful, but it could be harmful as well. So make always a double check while surfing.
The internet has
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
changed
the method of information
is publicized
and
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
used
.
However
, it has produced
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
negative
effects which it was not available in the past.

Nowadays, we
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
live
in a revolution technology.
“Whereas” at the beginning of a sentence usually requires a 2nd clause. Maybe a comma, question or exclamation mark is missing, or the sentence is incomplete and should be joined with the following sentence.
Whereas
network has
been expanded
everywhere in the world.
For instance
, in correspondence, emails, we
mostly
receive
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
a lot of
unwanted and wanted emails.
In particular
, if someone waits for an email which it is
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
very
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
important
to him, he will
be judged
to read all emails to avoid missing one
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
important
message that dropped in one's email box.
Furthermore
, there is another problem, it could
Did you mean "effect"?
affect
on our children.
Additionally
,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
could encounter fraud by internet
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
online
shop.
As a result
,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
customers would reveal their secret number's credit card for buying their stuff.
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
So
frauds
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
comes
out from fake
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
online
webs, which it
is unsecured
.

However
, there are
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
solution may
be provided
while using local area network.
Firstly
,
Use "in regard to", "with regard to", or more simply "regarding".
with regards to
porno graphics, when parents
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
use
the net at home, they block immoral websites by changing system setting networks.
Secondly
, protecting banks from getting hacked, bankers should program their system by downloading the proficient system software.
In addition
, they can include such modernized code numbers, which it may
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
help
to save them from loss.
Finally
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
online
buyers should do double
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
check
in
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
online
website while doing their shopping. To illustrate, at the top of the page, where you can find a
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
sign
that it
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
shows
Please add a punctuation mark at the end of paragraph
this


This sentence does not start with an uppercase letter
web
which you chose, it is safe for buying. I suggest if someone needs to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
buy
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
online
, it is much better to go shopping by yourself.

To sum up, the internet is useful,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
it could be harmful
as well
.
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
So
The adverb 'always' is usually put before the verb 'make'.
make always
a double
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
check
while surfing.
7Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
7Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
7Mistakes

IELTS essay Computers becoming an essential part of school lessons. Discuss the advantages and disadvantages and give your opinion. v. 1

Essay
  American English
5 paragraphs
291 words
7
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 7.0
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 7.0
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 7.0
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 7.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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