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Nowadays, all new town planning should include public parks, shopping malls and sports facilities. Do you agree or disagree? v.1

Nowadays, all new town planning should include public parks, shopping malls and sports facilities. v. 1
It is perceived by many that, the positive result in sports games is dependent on the athletes’ fitness level, whereas other people consider that players’ tactic is more critical than their other features. This essay will elucidate both of these viewpoints and render my opinion about the importance of both factors. First and foremost, there are a few main reasons why sportsmen’s strength is pivotal for the positive outcome of the matches. Primarily, the physical shape of sportswomen helps them to win their opponents in some competitions such as swimming and running. There is no doubt that, if swimmers are tall and they have long, strong hands, they may be able to swim faster than others. The similar physical features could play a key role in the favourable outcome of runners because they might not need to apply any technique in order to reach to the finish line. The recent research conducted by Canadian scholars has proven that, 96 percent of the champions of Olympic Games in 2018 were the tallest and fittest athletes. Nonetheless, in some games mental ability is far more important than physical one. For instance, chess players will not need to physically fit since they do not use their strength during the tournaments. This could mean that, intellectual sports require the sportsmen and women to work on their mental and tactical attitudes in order to become winners. Furthermore, for team sports such as football, volleyball and basketball, players’ corporations and organization skills may guarantee their success. In other words, these players should be ready for matches not only physically but also mentally as well. To recapitulate, although many hold the controversial notion about the positive outcome in sports, I strongly believe that a key factor for attaining great achievements in games is having combined faculties.
It
is perceived
by
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
that, the
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
positive
result in
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
sports
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
games
is dependent on the athletes’ fitness level, whereas
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
other
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
consider that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
players’
tactic is more critical than their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
other
features. This essay will elucidate both of these viewpoints and render my opinion about the importance of both factors.

First
and foremost, there are a few main reasons why sportsmen’s strength is pivotal for the
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
positive
outcome of the matches.
Primarily
, the physical shape of sportswomen
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
helps
them to win their opponents in
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
competitions such as swimming and running. There is no doubt that, if swimmers are
Use a comma before 'and' if it connects two independent clauses (unless they are closely connected and short).
tall and
they have long, strong hands, they may be able to swim faster than others. The similar physical features could play a key role in the
Possible spelling mistake. 'favourable' is British English.
favourable
outcome of runners
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
they might not need to apply any technique in order to reach to the finish line. The recent research conducted by Canadian scholars has proven that, 96 percent of the champions of Olympic
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
Games
in 2018 were the tallest and fittest athletes.

Nonetheless, in
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
games
mental ability is far more
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
important
than physical one.
For instance
, chess
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
players
will not need to
physically
fit since they do not
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
use
their strength during the tournaments. This could mean that, intellectual
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
sports
require the sportsmen and women to work on their mental and tactical attitudes in order to become winners.
Furthermore
, for team
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
sports
such as football, volleyball and basketball,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
players’
corporations and organization
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
skills
may guarantee their success. In
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
other
words, these
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
players
should be ready for matches not
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
only
physically
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
also
mentally
as well
.

To recapitulate, although
Possible agreement error. The noun hold seems to be countable; consider using: "many holds".
many hold
the controversial notion about the
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
positive
outcome in
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
sports
, I
strongly
believe that a key factor for attaining great achievements in
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
games
is having combined faculties.
7.5Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
7.5Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
7.5Mistakes
One should not aim at being possible to understand but at being impossible to misunderstand.
Marcus Fabius Quintilian

IELTS essay Nowadays, all new town planning should include public parks, shopping malls and sports facilities. v. 1

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
299 words
7.5
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 7.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 7.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 7.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 7.5
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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