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The two pie charts show the proportion of population and area in seven continents in percentage terms. v.1

The two pie charts show the proportion of population and area in seven continents in percentage terms. v. 1
In several countries, many people are increasingly conducting research regarding the origins of their own family. There are a number of reasons why this trend happens, and I believe it is a negative tendency. To begin with, there are some reasons why individuals are interested in discovering their family's history. The first clear reason is that these people are just curious about who their ancestors were and what role they played in society. For example, it might be interesting to find out that one's great-grandfather was once a member of the royal family. This kind of information can make people become proud of their origins. Additionally, many people research about their family's history as this activity can serve medical purposes. For instance, they would be aware of any disease that they inherit from their relatives. However, I would argue that this tendency is negative because of some reasons. Firstly, as this trend does not bring about significant benefits apart from those related to health care, it can be considered a waste of time and money, especially for young individuals. In my opinion, it would better for them to focus their resources on more important things such as improving their social skills. Secondly, the information on the history of one's family may have adverse effects on their attitude in life. To illustrate, a person with a noble origin may become arrogant, while someone who is a descendant of a criminal might be ashamed and lose his confidence. In conclusion, researching one's own origins is becoming more common in society, and I believe this is a negative development.
In several countries,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
are
increasingly
conducting research regarding the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
origins
of their
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
own
family. There are a number of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
reasons
why this trend happens, and I believe it is a
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
negative
tendency.

To
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
begin
with, there are
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
reasons
why individuals
are interested
in discovering their family's history. The
first
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
clear
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
reason
is that these
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
are
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
just
curious about who their ancestors were and what role they played in society.
For example
, it might be interesting to find out that one's great-grandfather was once a member of the royal family. This kind of information can
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
make
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
become proud of their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
origins
.
Additionally
,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
research about their family's history as this activity can serve medical purposes.
For instance
, they would be aware of any disease that they inherit from their relatives.

However
, I would argue that this tendency is
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
negative
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
of
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
reasons
.
Firstly
, as this trend does not bring about significant benefits apart from those related to health care, it can
be considered
a waste of time and money,
especially
for young individuals. In my opinion, it would
Did you mean "be better"?
better
for them to focus their resources on more
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
important
things such as improving their social
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
skills
.
Secondly
, the information on the history of one's family may have adverse effects on their attitude in life. To illustrate, a person with a noble
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
origin
may become arrogant, while someone who is a descendant of a criminal might
be ashamed
and lose his confidence.

In conclusion
, researching one's
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
own
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
origins
is becoming more common in society, and I believe this is a
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
negative
development.
7.5Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
7.5Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
7.5Mistakes

IELTS essay The two pie charts show the proportion of population and area in seven continents in percentage terms. v. 1

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
266 words
7.5
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 7.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 7.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 7.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 7.5
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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