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Now a day’s people have adopted an unhealthy lifestyle. Why do think this is? How could this problem be solved? v.1

Now a day’s people have adopted an unhealthy lifestyle. Why do think this is? How could this problem be solved? v. 1
In recent times, people have started adapting to sedentary lifestyle due to advancement in technology and long working hours. This issue can be mitigated by the support of lawmakers and employer fitness programs. Most people are working long hours thus do not find time to exercise and eat a healthy diet. Thus, people are more dependent on technology than before. Earlier, people used to buy groceries and cook their own food, but now, we are able to purchase packaged foods that are only required to be heated. Additionally, new website based applications, such as “Menulog”, are offering online food delivery services because of which, people are no longer required to go out of their homes to eat. Such kind of technological advancements is making people to stay at home and consume unhealthy diet that results in obesity and its related issues. One possible way to mitigate this issue is that government needs to place strict rules for working hours. For example, many countries have laws that only allow employees to work 40 hours per week. The remaining time should be taken to look after their health. Furthermore, employers can also offer employees with fitness program initiatives such as organizing a mandatory fitness challenge. These initiatives can support people to focus on their wellbeing and improve their lifestyle as well as create perfect work life balance. In conclusion, due to advancement in technology and long working hours many people have adapted sedentary lifestyle, however, both employers and government can create an encouraging environment to lead a healthy life.
In recent times,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
have
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
started
adapting to sedentary lifestyle due to advancement in technology and long
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
working
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
hours
. This issue can
be mitigated
by the support of lawmakers and employer fitness programs.

Most
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
are
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
working
long
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
hours
thus
do not find time to exercise and eat a healthy diet.
Thus
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
are more dependent on technology than
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
before
. Earlier,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
used
to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
buy
groceries and cook their
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
own
food,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
now
, we are able to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
purchase
packaged foods that are
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
only
required to
be heated
.
Additionally
, new website based applications, such as “
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Menulog
”, are offering online food delivery services
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
of which,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
are no longer required to go out of their homes to eat. Such kind of technological advancements is making
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
to stay at home and consume unhealthy diet that results in obesity and its related issues.

One possible way to mitigate this issue is that
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
government
needs to place strict
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
rules
for
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
working
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
hours
.
For example
,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
countries have laws that
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
only
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
allow
employees to work 40
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
hours
per week. The remaining time should
be taken
to look after their health.
Furthermore
, employers can
also
offer employees with fitness program initiatives such as organizing a mandatory fitness challenge. These initiatives can support
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
to focus on their
Possible spelling mistake found.
wellbeing
and
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
improve
their lifestyle
as well
as create perfect
It seems that a hyphen is missing.
work life
balance.

In conclusion
, due to advancement in technology and long
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
working
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
hours
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
have adapted sedentary lifestyle,
however
, both employers and
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
government
can create an encouraging environment to lead a healthy life.
8Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
8Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
8Mistakes

IELTS essay Now a day’s people have adopted an unhealthy lifestyle. Why do think this is? How could this problem be solved? v. 1

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
257 words
8
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 8.0
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 8.0
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 8.0
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 8.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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