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New technologies have changed the way children spend their free time. do the advantages outweigh the disadvantages? v.4

New technologies have changed the way children spend their free time. do the advantages outweigh the disadvantages? v. 4
Currently, it is true that the way children spend their leisure time has been changed by modem technology. While this has several benefits, I believe that the drawbacks far outweigh them. On the one hand, there are some advantages of children spending their spare time on advanced technologies. Firstly, many children tend to enjoy playing computer games, and such games might help improve their cognitive development. For example, strategic games require players to be good at problem solving and be able to deal with unexpected situations, so children who play these games can better their logical thinking and problem-solving skills. Secondly, since the source of online information is huge and readily available, young people might benefit from early exposure to the Internet. If people are able to browse the Internet at a young age, they can start their learning process earlier and as a result can advance their knowledge as they grow up. However, I would argue that the advantages discussed above are outweighed by the disadvantages. One main drawback is that children who enjoy spending time in front of the computer screen are often reluctant to do exercise. Low physical activity levels are likely to result in children becoming overweight, and in turn they would end up being obese. In addition, some games tempt people to continue playing for hours, which could lead to gaming addiction. In role-playing games, for instance, people might need to stay in front of the computer for several hours in order to progress to higher levels, and therefore children may spend an excessive amount of time on games. In conclusion, while there are some advantages of children spending time on advanced technologies, it seems to me that the disadvantages are more significant.
Currently
, it is true that the way
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
spend their leisure
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
time
has been
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
changed
by modem technology. While this has several benefits, I believe that the drawbacks far outweigh them.

On the one hand, there are
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
advantages of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
spending their spare
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
time
on advanced technologies.
Firstly
,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
tend to enjoy playing computer
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
games
, and such
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
games
might
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
help
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
improve
their cognitive development.
For example
, strategic
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
games
require players to be
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
good
at problem solving and be able to deal with unexpected situations,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
so
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
who play these
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
games
can better their logical thinking and problem-solving
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
skills
.
Secondly
, since the source of online information is huge and
readily
available, young
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
might benefit from early exposure to the Internet. If
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
are able to browse the Internet at a young age, they can
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
start
their learning process earlier and
as a result
can advance their knowledge as they grow up.

However
, I would argue that the advantages discussed above
are outweighed
by the disadvantages. One main drawback is that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
who enjoy spending
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
time
in front of the computer screen are
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
often
reluctant to do exercise. Low physical activity levels are likely to result in
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
becoming overweight, and in turn they would
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
end
up being obese.
In addition
,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
games
tempt
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
to continue playing for hours, which could lead to gaming addiction. In role-playing
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
games
,
for instance
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
might need to stay in front of the computer for several hours in order to progress to higher levels, and
therefore
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
may spend an excessive amount of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
time
on games.

Three successive sentences begin with the same word. Consider rewording the sentence or use a thesaurus to find a synonym.
In
conclusion, while there are
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
advantages of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
spending
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
time
on advanced technologies, it seems to me that the disadvantages are more significant.
11Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
23Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
1Mistakes
To learn a language is to have one more window from which to look at the world.
Chinese Proverb

IELTS essay New technologies have changed the way children spend their free time. do the advantages outweigh the disadvantages? v. 4

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
288 words
6.5
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 6.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 7.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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