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New technologies have changed the way children spend their free time. Do advantages of this outweigh disadvantages? v.3

New technologies have changed the way children spend their free time. Do advantages of this outweigh disadvantages? v. 3
With the advent of technology, it has changed the way people spend their leisure time, especially the children. Although technology is an excellent source of information and has helped children grow smart, the excessive use of multimedia by children has negative implications on their health and career. This essay will discuss the drawbacks of technology on young ones with reasons and relevant examples. Nowadays, the use of technology has made little minds smarter and better aware of their surroundings. But, it has led to detrimental effects on the body and mind of children. For example, studies show that there is a surge in the number of children who have diabetes and various other heart issues. It is a result of children watching their favourite shows or playing video games on television rather than playing in a park with friends. Likewise, the average ratio of obese children to healthy ones are increasing each day. Therefore, technology advancements are deteriorating the health of the little ones. Another disadvantage of a rise in the use of multimedia is that children have become direction-less. They have lost interest in books, leading to poor grades in exams. For example, research conducted by the University of Michigan on its students who failed last year revealed that these students under-performed due to over-use of various forms of media. Indeed, there is a negative impact of new technologies on children' s career. In conclusion, although the use of multimedia provides knowledge to little minds and makes them intelligent, the ill-effects on health and studies overshadow the advantages of a rise in new technologies entirely. Therefore, it is the prime responsibility of parents to motivate children to play in open and to highlight the importance of education so that the younger generation can productively use multimedia.
With the advent of
technology
, it has
changed
the way
people
spend their leisure time,
especially
the
children
. Although
technology
is an excellent source of information and has
helped
children
grow smart, the excessive
use
of multimedia by
children
has
negative
implications on their health and career. This essay will discuss the drawbacks of
technology
on young
ones
with reasons and relevant examples.

Nowadays, the
use
of
technology
has made
little
minds smarter and better aware of their surroundings.
But
, it has led to detrimental effects on the body and mind of
children
.
For example
, studies
show
that there is a surge in the number of
children
who have diabetes and various other heart issues. It is a result of
children
watching their
favourite
shows
or playing video games on television
rather
than playing in a park with friends.
Likewise
, the average ratio of obese
children
to healthy
ones
are increasing each day.
Therefore
,
technology
advancements are deteriorating the health of the
little
ones.

Another disadvantage of a rise in the
use
of multimedia is that
children
have become direction-less. They have lost interest in books, leading to poor grades in exams.
For example
, research conducted by the University of Michigan on its students who failed last year revealed that these students under-performed due to over-
use
of various forms of media.
Indeed
, there is a
negative
impact of new
technologies
on children' s career.

In conclusion
, although the
use
of multimedia provides knowledge to
little
minds and
makes
them intelligent, the ill-effects on health and studies overshadow the advantages of a rise in new
technologies
entirely
.
Therefore
, it is the prime responsibility of parents to motivate
children
to play in open and to highlight the importance of education
so
that the younger generation can
productively
use
multimedia.
11Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
18Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
1Mistakes

IELTS essay New technologies have changed the way children spend their free time. Do advantages of this outweigh disadvantages? v. 3

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
297 words
6.5
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 6.0
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.0
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 7.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
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