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New technologies have changed the way children spend their free time. Do advantages of this outweigh disadvantages? v.3

New technologies have changed the way children spend their free time. Do advantages of this outweigh disadvantages? v. 3
With the advent of technology, it has changed the way people spend their leisure time, especially the children. Although technology is an excellent source of information and has helped children grow smart, the excessive use of multimedia by children has negative implications on their health and career. This essay will discuss the drawbacks of technology on young ones with reasons and relevant examples. Nowadays, the use of technology has made little minds smarter and better aware of their surroundings. But, it has led to detrimental effects on the body and mind of children. For example, studies show that there is a surge in the number of children who have diabetes and various other heart issues. It is a result of children watching their favourite shows or playing video games on television rather than playing in a park with friends. Likewise, the average ratio of obese children to healthy ones are increasing each day. Therefore, technology advancements are deteriorating the health of the little ones. Another disadvantage of a rise in the use of multimedia is that children have become direction-less. They have lost interest in books, leading to poor grades in exams. For example, research conducted by the University of Michigan on its students who failed last year revealed that these students under-performed due to over-use of various forms of media. Indeed, there is a negative impact of new technologies on children' s career. In conclusion, although the use of multimedia provides knowledge to little minds and makes them intelligent, the ill-effects on health and studies overshadow the advantages of a rise in new technologies entirely. Therefore, it is the prime responsibility of parents to motivate children to play in open and to highlight the importance of education so that the younger generation can productively use multimedia.
With the advent of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
technology
, it has
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
changed
the way
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
spend their leisure time,
especially
the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
. Although
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
technology
is an excellent source of information and has
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
helped
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
grow smart, the excessive
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
use
of multimedia by
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
has
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
negative
implications on their health and career. This essay will discuss the drawbacks of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
technology
on young
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
ones
with reasons and relevant examples.

Nowadays, the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
use
of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
technology
has made
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
little
minds smarter and better aware of their surroundings.
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
But
, it has led to detrimental effects on the body and mind of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
.
For example
, studies
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
show
that there is a surge in the number of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
who have diabetes and various other heart issues. It is a result of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
watching their
Possible spelling mistake. 'favourite' is British English.
favourite
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
shows
or playing video games on television
rather
than playing in a park with friends.
Likewise
, the average ratio of obese
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
to healthy
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
ones
are increasing each day.
Therefore
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
technology
advancements are deteriorating the health of the
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
little
ones.

Another disadvantage of a rise in the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
use
of multimedia is that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
have become direction-less. They have lost interest in books, leading to poor grades in exams.
For example
, research conducted by the University of Michigan on its students who failed last year revealed that these students under-performed due to over-
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
use
of various forms of media.
Indeed
, there is a
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
negative
impact of new
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
technologies
on children' s career.

In conclusion
, although the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
use
of multimedia provides knowledge to
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
little
minds and
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
makes
them intelligent, the ill-effects on health and studies overshadow the advantages of a rise in new
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
technologies
entirely
.
Therefore
, it is the prime responsibility of parents to motivate
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
to play in open and to highlight the importance of education
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
so
that the younger generation can
productively
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
use
multimedia.
11Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
18Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
1Mistakes
Language is the road map of a culture. It tells you where its people come from and where they are going.
Rita Mae Brown

IELTS essay New technologies have changed the way children spend their free time. Do advantages of this outweigh disadvantages? v. 3

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
297 words
6.5
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 6.0
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.0
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 7.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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